


Quick and Dirty

by Lightoftheveilfire



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types
Genre: Arranged Marriage, F/M, Friendship/Love, Grief/Mourning, Iron Bull Betrayal, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Trespasser
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-12
Updated: 2018-02-17
Packaged: 2018-12-27 01:46:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 37,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12071145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lightoftheveilfire/pseuds/Lightoftheveilfire
Summary: After the Iron Bull betrayed Thalia Trevelyan she was left without the energy or willpower to keep the Inquisition. However she was desperate to maintain power over a force large enough to stop Solas and so she agreed to marry a lonely King. As time goes the two learn to move on from their dead lovers and into each others arms.





	1. The End

The Inquisitor sipped her drink and leaned back on the bar where her partner from the last few years was playing bartender. She was trying to find the right words and kept coming up blank. Her mind kept going back to an earlier conversation she had with Cassandra, one where her friend had assumed that she was proposing to the Iron Bull. While she hadn't originally been planning on proposing, she did like the idea of it. They had talked about what their future would look like and while she knew they would always be together they had never talked about any specifics.  
  
She ran her hand through her strawberry blonde hair and released a deep sigh.  
  
"Kadan, you alright? You've been quiet," Iron Bull asked, concerned as ever.  
  
"You remember when we were in the Frostback Basin?"  
  
"Yeah you met the last Inquisitor, his dead lover and panicked." He gave her a steady look, "You about to start freaking out again?"  
  
She cringed, she hadn't been at her best while they were there. Seeing how tragic the love between Inquisitor Ameridan and Telana had been, and how horribly it had ended, had noticeably shaken her. She had tried to break up with Bull after that because she was sure that he would die early because of her. It had taken him two solid weeks to talk her off that ledge.  
  
"Uh yeah not going down that road again... Well, sort of going down that road again." She turned around to face him and rested her hands on the end of the hard wooden bar, her anchor glowing green on her left hand. "Do you think Ameridan and Telana were married?"  
  
"Shit I dunno, don't the Dalish just bond? Marriage is a chantry thing."  
  
"True, but do you think history would have forgotten about Telana if they had been married?" Maker this was going so much worse than she had imagined.  
  
"Probably, history did manage to forget that he was an elf and a mage after all" He was still giving her that same steady look, as if he knew where she was trying to go, when she wasn't even sure what she was saying.  
  
"I guess, I don't know... Bull..." She paused, fuck it this wasn't going anywhere, "We've been together for three years now, do you want to get married?"  
  
"Do you want to get married because you think that's what you're supposed to do? Or do you want to get married because that's what you want?"  
  
"Does it matter?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Why?  
  
"Look," He said leaning forward until his face was inches from hers, "You're my Kadan, that’s a choice I make every day. I don't need to be bound to it. But if you like the binding, then when this is over we'll make it official, however you like."  
  
She grinned and leaned forward and planted a kiss on his nose, "Do we have to wait to start the binding part?" She responded quietly.  
  
He let out a roar of a laugh, "Kadan if that's all you meant you just had to ask."  
  
"Well, I do think I want more... binding, metaphorically you know? And, well shit physically I guess too. But I just want to make sure that you are never overlooked or forgotten. Marriage is important here even if it isn't under the Qun."  
  
"The only person I care about is you, if it matters to you then lets do it. But I don't really care what people think long after we're dead."  
  
"True, true" she responded, he knew it mattered to her though. "But honestly all I care about right now is that binding you promised."

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The pain was overwhelming; her mark had hurt before but never quite like that. It radiated through her whole body until she thought she would throw up or pass out. She heard voices yelling out but she couldn't make out what they were saying.  
  
"Thalia!" One voice said, the other rang out "Kadan!" as well as a few others that seemed to be further away. As the pain started to dissipate she realized she was on the ground. Her knees were bleeding and her whole body ached from the shock. Iron Bulls strong arms were around her and she looked up at the worried faces of her friends, Dorian, and Sera.  
  
"It's getting worse the longer we're here. It's no wonder it would act up around elven magics, given that the orb was elven. But that still doesn't tell us how to keep her alive." Dorian said as he attempted a healing spell. He had always been better fixing the dead than the living.  
  
"We need to keep going." Thalia Trevelyan said as her lover helped her to her feet. Where would she be without him? Probably in some ditch somewhere off the Storm Coast.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Qunari threat had led them to the Darvaarad. Barrels of gaatlok had been found all over Thedas, and the barrels in the Winter Palace had been smuggled in by traitors within the ranks of the Inquisition. The Inquisitor had a growing knot in her belly that seemed to be growing stronger every day that passed.  
  
When she had arrived at the Winter Palace she had been adamant that the Inquisition should stay standing, largely as a peacekeeping force in Thedas. Over the last few years it had become apparent to her that the leaders of Thedas could not be trusted to rule their countries fairly or justly. Not only was there corruption everywhere she turned, but they all also seemed grossly incompetent. The only reason Corypheus had been able to gain any sort of foothold was because the leadership in the world was more concerned with their own power than then ruling their people effectively. In Orlais, instead of focusing on the nearing apocalypse, the relationship between leaders had devolved from a petty squabble into an all out civil war. One that Thalia had seen be used to bring about the end of the world. Instead of listening to her and ending the fighting for the greater good, the fighting had instead increased. While in Ferelden, a weak government had allowed the fighting between the Rebel Mages and the Rouge Templars ravage the countryside, murdering innocent civilians. It had gotten so bad, that they had to rely on Tevinter Magisters instead of the King of Ferelden.  
  
Thalia was disgusted by the weakness shown by the nobility in both countries. The Winter Palace always reminded her exactly why she had run away from home when she was younger. Her family was part of the nobility of Ostwick, and just as useless as the nobility everywhere else. Always tied up in some petty squabble over party invites, or bad handshakes, or whatever else they could think of to make themselves seem more important.  
  
It was why she loved traveling with the Iron Bull. He saw right through all the bullshit and hated it just as much as she did. In years since they defeated Corypheus the two had traveled together, from the Frostback Basin, to the Deep Roads, and all over Orlais and Ferelden. They were trying to help mend the wounds from the war and reestablish a sense of peace in the two countries. She was proud to say that they had largely been successful.  
  
Since the death of his Chargers, Iron Bull only really had her, and she only needed him. He had mentioned once before that she would make a good Temassran, maybe once it was over they could start a family.  
  
The two were currently running through the Darvaard, he had said that he knew nothing of what the Qunari were planning and she believed him. He had never lied to her before so she had no reason to not trust him now.  
  
They were lucky to also have Dorian and Sera with them; she was so grateful that her friends had all reunited to help her stop the threat and support her in front of the Exalted Council.  
  
The small group burst into a large room, the room where the Qunari made the infamous gaatlok powder that rivaled a mages explosive power. She had been expecting a factory of some sort. Assembly lines mixing herbs and minerals possibly, however what she found instead was a dragon, bound and tortured.  
  
"Dragons Breath is.... An actual dragon?" she accidently blurted out. Iron Bull had always told her she would make a terrible assassin; ambushes never seemed to go well because she couldn't hold her tongue. It was the main reason she had chosen to be an artificer instead. The guards in front of her whipped around yelling for what she could only imagine was backup. The Viddasala started barking orders; she was going to have to ask Bull to teach her some of his words, especially if this threat grew.  
  
"Hissrad! Now please! Vinek Kathas." She ordered. Thalia couldn't help but laugh, Iron Bull was hers and that wouldn't change.  
  
She heard the sound of a weapon being unleashed before he spoke, "Understood Ma'am. Change of plans. Nothing personal... Bas."  
  
She turned to look at him, but not in time. Not before his huge war ax, the war ax that she had built for him, that she had relied on so many times, made contact with her side. If Dorian hadn’t been quick on his feet and thrown up a barrier she would have been cleaved in half. Instead she was flung against the wall like a ragdoll. She felt the crunch of her ribs breaking but didn't feel it. All she knew was the feeling of the air leaving her lungs as the man she loved stood over her, ready to hit her with a killing blow. In desperation she held up her left hand and her mark exploded with energy, sending him, and everyone else flying back.  
  
This gave her the time to struggle to her feet and get her knives. Next to her Dorian was casting spell after to spell to hold them back while Sera was turning the Qunari into pincushions.  
  
"Inquisitor, pay attention!" She heard Dorian yell. She refocused, this was battle, she had fought so many times and this time would be no different. She was strong and swift and no threat against her would survive. She didn't have time to understand Iron Bull's actions, she only had time to stop him.  
  
This time he advanced she was ready. They had spent so much time training together she knew exactly what he was going to do, however, this meant that he also knew exactly what she was going to do as well. He feinted left, leaving his blind side open; she knew he meant to draw her there. It was his most basic trick; instead she went low falling into a summersault to get behind him. She reached out and slashed at his heels. He let out a roar that she had only heard in the bedroom, as he swung his ax toward her head. She was faster than him, even with her broken ribs, and easily got out of the way before sinking her knife into his open side.  
  
Dorian and Sera were taking care of the surrounding Qunari, so it just left the two of them fighting it out with a dragon roaring in the background. How fitting.  
  
He was slower today than usual, his swings actually missing her as she rolled and turned, and dove. She had to stop him, before he stopped her.  
  
She remembered something that they had practiced but never attempted in the field, if she could get behind him than she could jump onto his back and use his horns as leverage to go over him. This they had planned was to be a surprise attack against an unknown enemy. She had never thought that he would be the unknown enemy.  
  
She got close to him, to close, before kicking up into his groin and watching him cringe and slow down. She spun around him and jumped up on his back grabbing on to his horns and swinging over, before using her free hand to send her blade across his throat. As her feet hit the ground he sank to his knees, blood was poring from the cut she had made and he was making an ugly gurgling sound. He looked up at her one last time, and gave her the same hard stare he had given her so many times before collapsing at her feet.  
  
The battle raged around her as she felt the magic spark in the air and heard Sera's arrows go whizzing by. But none of that mattered. He was there at her feet. Just the day before they had been talking about getting married, about their future. And now he was lying bloody at her feet by her hands. Dorian and Sera were shouting but she couldn't hear them. She sank to her knees and took his hand in hers.  
  
"No." He had always promised her that he would never hurt her without her permission. But this pain he caused, this pain was unlike any others. "Khato, Bull, Khato." She tried to shake him, how could this happen.  
  
"Thalia, leave him he doesn't deserve it." Dorian was at her side, he tried to pull her up, but she pushed him away.  
  
"No! Khato! Make it stop, Bull wake up! Please!" Hot tears were streaming down her face, she knew he was right but everything was so blurry, so painful. Each breath felt like she was being stabbed a thousand times.  
  
When all of a sudden a sharp smack rang across her face. Sera was standing over her looking angrier than a bag of hornets. "Lia, get your shite together. You can cry over this pissbag later but we have a Dragon to go stick and we don't have time for this."  
  
Thalia let go of the Iron Bulls hand and took a deep breath. Focus.  
  
"I am the Inquisitor. I have a job to do. I need to focus." She thought to herself before standing up. "I can cry later." 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The tall dark haired woman stood outside her dear friends room, keeping out any intruders, even if those intruders said they meant well.  
  
"Makers Breath Cassandra, if Thalia is awake then we need to speak to her. The Exalted Council will only wait so long." Cullen said as he motioned angrily at no one in particular.  
  
"I understand your concern, she has been through much. However I can only hold them off for so long. I fear that they will be angry when they have heard that she has awoken and refused still to give them an answer. Divine Victoria will no longer be able to keep them distracted." Josephine was rambling desperately, she knew that if this took any longer the Exalted Council would take dramatic actions against the Inquisition, and she didn't want to see anything bad happen to her friend. Not after everything she had already been through. She was about ready to start trying to reason again with the stony Cassandra when the door open from the other side.  
  
"Come on in, excuse the mess." Their friend stood in the doorway, looking more like one of Dorian's animated corpses than the Inquisitor. Her long strawberry blonde locks, which were usually so well kept, were hanging greasy and lank around her shoulders, her eyes were sunken in, and she was so pale. Her clothing hung loose around her, hiding her wounds and trying to hide her missing hand. She turned and limped into the room, the three followed closely behind.  
  
"Inquisitor, please... You should sit." Josephine said, worried about her limping friend.  
  
"I can either stand or lie down, and while we're talking about the fate of the Inquisition I would rather not do it in my deathbed." She responded, spiting the words out as if they were poisoned.  
  
"Before any of you start, I've already made my decision. We have to disband the Inquisition." She continued, not looking any of them in the eye.  
  
It was a long time before someone responded, that statement hung in the air uncomfortably.  
  
"Inquisitor... Are you sure? You would be giving up all the power you have. It would be difficult to fight against Solas without any help." Josephine broke the silence.  
  
"We would lose our soldiers, if there is to be a battle we will be helpless." Cullen added on.  
  
"We will ask for a stipend from both Orlais and Ferelden, that way we can maintain a force large enough to hold Skyhold. However, we are in this position because of how corrupt we allowed ourselves to become. I will not turn into everything I hate for the sake of power. If Solas wants to meet me in an open battlefield than we will just have to worry about that when the time comes. Right now it's imperative that we only surround ourselves with people we can trust." She took a deep breath; while that was her main reason she also had to admit to herself that she was in no position to be leading anyone right now. "Tell the Council I will meet with them in an hour." She continued.  
  
The three nodded and turned to leave. "Wait Cass... Can you stick around?"  
  
"Of course my friend." Cassandra responded and closed the door behind the others. "What is wrong?"  
  
"I... I can't seem to brush my hair. My side it... And my arm it's..." The Inquisitor had gone from looking unreasonably strong, to looking so small. It broke Cassandra's heart to see.  
  
"Of course, whatever you need."  
\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
The doors of the chamber flew open, interrupting whatever arguing was going on between Josephine and the representatives from Orlais and Ferleden. The Inquisitor stormed in, holding in her one hand the edict from Divine Justinia that created the Inquisition. She was so ready for this all to be over. She was ready to grieve.  
  
"You all know what this is." Her voice rang out through the crowd, loud and strong, not showing how much pain she was still in from her broken ribs.  
  
"A write from Divine Justinia authorizing the formation of the Inquisition. We pledged to close the breach, find those responsible, and restore order. With or without anyone’s approval. But if the Inquisition now threatens the very stability it helped create, it is clear our time is done. We will not become what we once fought against. We do not have the luxury of corruption and complacency. If this organization has become to large to do its job, there is only one solution." She gave Josephine a sad look before handing her the book. "Effective immediately, the Inquisition is disbanded." As she finished she heard the shocked voices from the crowed.  
  
Josephine tried to speak over the crowed at the group gathered at the high table in the front of the room, "We request an audience with the council to discuss how this will all take place." She couldn't be sure anyone heard her, but it was vital for all of them to meet in privacy. The skilled ambassador knew that it would be a difficult task to convince the negotiators that the Inquisitor would need to maintain her residence at Skyhold with a small force, and that she would require from both of their countries a severance package in the form of a rather large monthly stipend. But the Inquisitor had done her job and more, and now it was Josephine's turn to save the day.


	2. The Proposal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger-warning for alcohol abuse

Two months after the end of the Exalted Council and Arl Teagan was on his way to Skyhold to, once again, attempt to negotiate with the Herald of Andraste. As she no longer held the title of Inquisitor, she was officially being called Herald once again. His King has been angry when he had discovered that Teagan had been strong-armed into giving her hundreds of sovereigns each month in order to maintain her lifestyle and her household. He already looked like a weak king, given all the problems in Ferelden that she had to save them from and while he had been grateful for her help, it had hurt his standing among the other world leaders. Teagan was supposed to show strength against her and her people, it was why he was sent instead of the king himself attending. Instead they ended up, not only paying her large sums each month, but also funding the largely foreign army that was residing on the borders of his territory. Now Teagan was supposed to fix the problem.  
  
The courtyard was empty, the soldiers were mainly up in the battlements, a few were sparring in the open space near the entrance to the main hall, but the quiet was deafening. He told his men to carry the chests of gold up behind him. There had been no one to great him, so he assumed it would be best to just let himself in. As the door swung open he became aware of the reason for the quiet.  
  
The large main hall was empty and dark, dust was collecting on the long tables that ran alongside the walls, and old food sat out surrounded by far to many empty wine bottles. In the throne at the center of the room a woman was slumped over, asleep or so Teagan hoped. Wine bottles, some broken, some whole, were scattered on the floor around her, making the floor sticky as he approach. The only light in the room came from the sun shinning in from the windows behind her, creating an eerie vibe. Another bottle of wine hung loose from her one hand, which was slung over the armrest. He sure hoped she was alive.  
  
Once he was close enough to see her face it became apparent that it was Thalia, the Herald of Andraste. However, she looked nothing like she had the last time he had seen her. First of all she wasn't wearing anything except a large long sleeved shirt, her bare, pale legs were stretched out, showing how thin she had become. Her once long hair had been cut short, from the looks of it by a child, as it was uneven and extremely choppy, making the frizzy waves more pronounced. In some parts it was as long as her shoulders, in others it looked like it wasn't even an inch long. Her face, which at one point had been sun kissed and round, was now pale and gaunt. The scar that ran along her cheek seemed to be even more obvious than it ever had been before.  
  
"Excuse me, Herald?" He tried to gently shake her awake. However instead she let out a loud gasp, her eyes shooting open as she dropped the wine bottle, which shattered at their feet spilling what was left of the drink. She reached for a knife and before he could respond he found it held against his neck.  
  
"Herald! It is fine, it is I, Arl Teagan, and I come with your stipend as requested. I was simply checking to make sure you were okay." Her blue eyes narrowed as she scanned his face.  
  
"Arl Teagan! Oh why did you not simply say!" She said before throwing her arms around him in an embrace that he had not been expecting. She smelled strongly of stale wine. She moved away from him, pushing the broken glass aside with her bare feet as she stumbled over to one of the tables, picking up an unopened wine bottle and prying it open with her teeth and taking a large swig.  
  
"So you've been promoted from ambassador to errand boy I see." She said as she knocked on a wooden door on the side of the room.  
  
"No I have been tasked with negotiating some very serious matters with you my lady." He said, nervous suddenly about the success of this mission. The door she had knocked on opened and Ambassador Montilyet walked into the room.  
  
"Arl Teagan, oh my goodness I apologize for the mess, we did not know that the King would be sending someone as revered as you." She leaned back in the doorway and motioned at someone, and a young woman skittered into the room and started to clean up the bottles and wipe down a part of the table.  
  
"Please sit, I will have some food and drink brought to you. You must be famished after the long trip here." She continued, as she glanced back and forth from the Herald to him.  
  
Before they were able to continue with any pleasantries, the Herald, whom had started to rifle through the chests full of gold, cut into the conversation, "So Teagan, what was this vital thing you needed so desperately to talk about?”  
  
"Thalia, I'm sure he does not yet want to talk about business. I'm sure any dealings would be far better discussed over a hot meal." Josephine said, obviously incredibly uncomfortable with her friend’s appearance and behavior.  
  
"Yes, I believe Herald that you will want a more formal environment when discussing his majesties business." He said, agree with Lady Montilyet.  
  
"Nonsense, spit it out, what does your king want from me now? Any more gods in his lands need slaying?" She responded as she found a bag full of coins, "Ah yes this should cover it."  
  
"What?" He asked she threw the bag at him, unsure of what was going on.  
  
"Cullen wants to open... What was it again? Some place for old Templars to go and swap war stories or something. Anyway I'm buying land in Ferelden to help make that happen. Should cover it. Look at me, saving people still." She said as she sat down next to Josephine and took another long drink from her wine bottle, "What was it you wanted again?"  
  
Teagan felt very uncomfortable in this situation, it was clear that the Herald was extremely intoxicated, however to ignore her prying might result in his early expulsion from Skyhold. He was never any good at judging which approach to take with drunks.  
  
"Ah yes, King Alistair Theirin of Ferelden would officially like propose his hand in marriage to your holiness. He is prepared to-" He tried to continue but he was cut off by the Heralds loud laugh.  
  
She wasn't able to contain herself, her laugher ringing through the large hall, even pulling her from her seat on to the floor. And yet again, the ambassador felt he had picked the wrong approach; he was surely going to lose his position.  
  
"Oh Josie! The King has sent a jester here to our lowly court."  
  
"I beg your pardon, I am no jester and this is no joke. This is a serious proposal, and one that is extremely beneficial to the both of you." She responded to him by standing up and walking over to hover over him.  
  
"Oh my! I'm sure it would be better if we waited for supper to finish -" Josephine tried to stop the Herald, to no avail.  
  
"No ser, this must be a joke. After all I am the laughing stock of all of Thedas! Totally broken, worthless! I don't even have a hand to put a ring on! Who is he to marry me? Didn't he hear, I knowingly bedded a Qunari spy! Who would want to marry me?" She was half yelling, half laughing with a crazed look in here eyes.  
  
A door burst open and the Seeker Cassandra walked into the room, "What is going on in here? I heard yelling."  
  
"Oh Cass! Listen to this foolishness! The Bastard King is actually so desperate to make his people think he's qualified to run his country he actually wants to marry me! As if that would help him!"  
  
At that Josephine stood up, "Cassandra, please get her out of here. Ambassador I am so sorry. We will have to continue this at another time. Please let me show you towards the guest wing."  
  
And at that he was whisked away deeper into the castle. Somehow he thought that there would be no satisfactory outcome from his visit.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thalia woke the morning after Cassandra had dragged her into her room. The Seeker had promptly removed all the wine from her reach and ordered the servants to keep it all locked up. It was morning now; the dawn light was shining through her large windows. It was winter, so she normally kept the large doors shut, however for some reason they were open and a cold wind was hissing through the room.  
  
"Good, you're awake. Get up we have to get you bathed and do something with your hair." Cassandra said from the stairwell as she carried two buckets of hot water into the large, incredible dirty room.  
  
"Good morning to you as well Cass, any reason the doors are open? It's cold as shite in here. I think I might freeze my tits off and I can't really afford to lose any more body parts." Her head was pounding and her mouth felt about as dry as the Hissing Wastes, and that was to say nothing of how her stomach was churning. She wasn't sure she would be able to eat all day. She supposed that’s what she got from staying drunk for the last few weeks.  
  
"The cold air helps with hangovers. Drink." Cassandra said as she pushed a glass of tea into her hands. "It's elfroot, it will help as well."  
  
As Thalia sipped, Cassandra walked around the room closing the doors, and uncovered a bath at the center of the room and pouring the buckets in.  
  
"Get in, you can drink it while I deal with your hair." She obeyed, and pulled the large dirty shirt up over her head and stepped into the warm water.  
  
"Why did you do this? You're hair was beautiful."  
  
Thalia paused before responding, carefully picking her words, "There was so much, it was heavy and I couldn't get it out of my face." She said, which was code for she had been angry and drunk. In reality, she had simply wished that she could cut off everything he had touched, however her skin would not go as easily as hair does.  
  
Cassandra sighed as she pulled a chair up to the tub and sat down in it, "That is reasonable." She grabbed her head and jerked it back; Thalia figured gentle wasn't in her dictionary. She felt the rough, battle hardened fingers of her friend hold her head steady as she started to cut away at her hair, evening it out so it looked like less of a disaster.  
  
"You can't stay drunk while the Ambassador is here. Josephine has spent the better part of the night trying to smooth things over after what you said." The day before mostly seemed blurry, she remembered the Arl showing up and proposing marriage, but everything else was to fuzzy.  
  
"What did I do again?"  
  
Cassandra sighed, "You insulted the King after it was suggested that it would be beneficial that the two of you get married."  
  
"Right." The two sat in silence while Cass cut and washed her hair. That was why she loved her so much. They could just sit in silence. She was the only one that didn't constantly ask her how she was feeling. She never tried to get her to talk about what happened.  
  
"Here, get dressed. Josephine will want to talk to you before you all sit down together." Cassandra said as she picked up a towel and handed it over.  
  
As Thalia stood up and started to dry off she asked, "What should I do? Do you think marrying him is a good idea?"  
  
Cassandra gave her a sad look, "My friend, my advice on marriage has not changed. Follow your heart and I will follow you." And then she turned and left the room.  
  
A marriage to the King of Ferelden would certainly solidify her power. It would also give her the standing army Cullen was worried about recruiting. It would allow her to operate the large part of the fight against Solas in secret, while also being fully funded.  
  
And, she thought bitterly to herself, she wasn't marrying anyone else so she would be totally free to make this decision.  
  
She ran her fingers through her now short hair, it felt a little longer than Cassandra's, and just barely covered the tops of her ears. Now it was no longer the same hair that he had held on to while riding her. Thank the Maker.  
  
Once she was dressed she walked down the stairs and into Josephine’s study, "I owe you and apology." She said before Josie could start chastising her. "I have been utterly useless. This proposal could be very good for us and I almost ruined because I can't seem to stay sober."  
  
She had expected a finger wagging; instead she was swept up in a hug. "Oh Thalia, I understand. I'm just glad to see you normal again." Normal. Would she ever be normal again? Would she ever be whole?  
  
"Uh yeah... So what do you think? Were you able to talk to him more about this proposal?" She listened as Josephine started to delve into the details. She would be allowed to keep Skyhold as her own residence, separately from the Crown. However it would be staffed by Ferelden troops instead of foreign troops. She would keep her stipend, however now it would be her budget as Queen. Any children born to the pair would be first in line to inherit the throne, which would solidify a position of power for the Herald long past the death of the king.  
  
"Great, but would I be some figure holder, a pretty face on the throne, or would I have real power? I'm not used to sitting by and letting the men make decisions." She asked. It seemed like a good deal, all of their concerns that were expressed when they disbanded the Inquisition would be met and it would also make them a more formidable threat against Solas.  
  
"You will have to ask the Ambassador about that, I did not ask. It took everything just to get him to stay. You will have to apologize as well." She said, "Are you ready to talk to him? I can have him called in."  
  
Thalia nodded and then went to sit in one of the seats across from Josie's desk. This room hadn't been touched in any of her drunken temper tantrums over the last few weeks. As soon as she had been well enough to break things, she had taken to breaking everything the pair had touched, everything they had made love on. This had left a trail of destruction in her wake that the few servants they had left, had given up on cleaning.  
  
The door opened and in walked an angry looking Ambassador Teagan, Thalia stood and stretched out her hand for him to shake, "Ambassador, I would like to formally apologize for my behavior yesterday. Since the Exalted Council I have not felt like myself. I take full accountability for everything said and done, and I am willing to show how very sorry I am in anyway you deem appropriate."  
  
He responded curtly, "Herald, no need. I am just glad I will be able to talk to you while you are sober. I have heard that is a rare occurrence these days."  
  
She flinched at that but couldn't deny it. She was sure Josie had made all sorts of excuses for her.  
  
"I take it Ambassador Montilyet has filled you in sufficiently as to the proposal?"  
  
"Yes," she paused before continuing, "I do have a few more questions before agreeing. What does his Excellency expect my role to be? I am not a woman who is used to sitting on the sidelines letting others make the hard decisions."  
  
"His Grace is well aware of your temperament." She wasn't sure if that was meant as an insult, but after the day before she was sure she deserved it, "He understands that you will expect to be as equal of a ruler as is possible. You will be allowed in all advising sessions. However at the end of the day he will be the King and you will be expected to respect his decisions."  
  
She nodded, that was an expectable concession. Given all the help he had requested while she had been Inquisitor she assumed he would probably welcome any advice she could offer.  
  
"The only other question I have is this: What does the King expect from this Union? I'm sure he has his own caveats." She asked. The last few months all she had been able to do consistently was to let people down, she was not sure why the King would be so interested in marrying her instead of noble woman from his own country, maybe even one he knew a little better.  
  
"The King needs an heir, that is absolutely paramount. However, the King has also expressed much admiration in the way that you have been able to lead the Inquisition. I believe that the King expects your international standing and leadership abilities will help solidify his reign. However, that is all simply speculation."  
  
She looked towards Josephine, unsure how much she liked his response. While Josephine, as always remained stoic.  
  
"Thank you for answering that Ambassador, now I'm sure the Herald will need to think about this but-" Josephine said before she was cut off.  
  
"I accept the Kings proposal. On one condition, the wedding needs to be quick and dirty. I don't want a big frivolous affair. And it should be within the next two months, I do not want to sit around here waiting for him to change his mind and be made to look like a fool." Josephine gave her an exasperated look telling her that was not how these things are done.  
  
"That is satisfactory. I will ride at once from this place to let his Grace know your answer. We will be in touch with the details." Teagan said as he went to leave, "I thank you both for your... hospitality. And I look forward to working with you both in the future."  
  
The door slammed shut behind him leaving the two women alone. "Thalia! That is not how this is done!" Josephine pinched the bridge of her nose; she had probably lost 10 years of her life due to stress brought on by the Heralds rash actions.  
  
"It solves all of our problems, and it makes me someone else’s problem so you can go home to your family."  
  
"That... That is not what I'm concerned about! You are my friend, I do not think of you as a problem!" Josephine was clearly upset, "Go, I have wedding arrangements to start rushing through."

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Almost two months had passed, the Herald had spent most of her time reading through the books she had about the fade and elven history, as well as her own notes that she had taken. She had managed to stay sober, which her friends had taken as a step in the right direction. However she also did seem to have a hard time getting out of bed most days, but no one knew what to do about that. The books gave her a decent distraction and her mission to fight Solas gave her reason to stay focused, but neither removed the dark cloud hanging over her head. She had used to laugh louder than anyone else in Skyhold, and now she rarely smiled.  
  
Thalia was preparing to leave Skyhold and move her household to Denerim. She was spending one last evening in garden that she had so carefully cultivated over the years. Gardening had always been something she took great comfort in. Dagna had even made her a prosthetic that had a trowel attachment so she would still be able to spend her time in the garden. She would miss the spring there; someone else would have to tend to her plants.  
  
"You must be freezing." Cass said as she sat down next to her friend on the bench.  
  
"Yeah but I don't mind." She couldn't believe she was leaving, and leaving to marry a man she didn't know.  
  
"You know this was where Iron Bull and I talked about our future for the first time." She said softly  
  
"Oh?"  
  
"Yeah it was right over there," she pointed to a section that during the summer had the most beautiful flowers. The memory was so vivid she could practically see him standing tall over her with his arms crossed over his broad chest.  
  
"He hadn't seen me all day and had gotten worried. The ground had finally thawed and so I wanted to make sure I got started on everything, I didn’t know when I would get pulled away again. When he found me he was so confused." She laughed remembering the look on his face, "He had said 'Kadan, you spend all your time running through the dirtiest parts of Thedas, we come home and in your limited free time I find you digging around in more dirt. I'm starting to think you just like being dirty all of the time.' I laughed at that because it was so far off."  
  
She paused as she felt a knot start to grow in the back of her throat, "I felt as though I spent so much time killing, I wanted to create in equal measure. I explained that to him, about how good it felt to grow life, and then watch that life be used to heal the sick and injured. He told me 'You would make an excellent Tamassran, you have the touch for it."  
  
Cassandras brow furrowed, "Tamassran?"  
  
"The Qunari don't have families, the Tamassrans raise the children. They are like mothers." She sighed and ran her hand through her hair. This was a hard story to tell but she needed to tell someone about it. "So I asked him 'Do you see me becoming one, as a possibility for our future?' and he responded by saying 'Kadan, that's the only future I see"  
  
She was having a more difficult time holding her tears back at this point but she was the Inquisitor and had to remain strong, "When he said that I thought it would be with him. Instead I leave tomorrow to fulfill that future with another man, one I don't even know."  
  
Cassandra reach over and held Thalia's hand, "I've heard Alistair is a good man, Liliana speaks very highly of him."  
  
"My parents were an arranged marriage, they never spoke to each other, or even with me really. These sort of arrangements are some of the worst parts of nobility. I always thought I was above that... That I would marry for love."  
  
Cassandra had started crying at some point during the story, and Thalia had just noticed, "Oh Thalia! Don't do this! You don't have to. You will find love again."  
  
"Cass, This is an opportunity I don't have the privilege of missing. I knew what I was getting into when you asked me to be the Inquisitor." She still hadn't cried yet. Maybe she never would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all like this chapter! In the next one she will finally really meet Alistair. I have it written already so I just need to find time in the next week to really edit it and everything.


	3. No Friends in a Marriage

Alistair had spent the last two months with his castle in a complete frenzy. The woman says she wants a quick and dirty wedding she gets one. Is that what marriage will be like he wondered? A woman he doesn't know making impossible demands of him, not helping and then showing up at the last minute. The rest of the governing had been at a standstill as her chambers were built and decorated, and the rest of the castle became ready for all of the guests that they would have to house for the next week. It was three days before the wedding and she would be arriving at any moment. Although they had met twice before he was still quiet nervous. He wasn't known for being the most eloquent speaker, and he was definitely not charming. In fact he was far more likely to insult her within the first few moments than he was to woo her.  
  
He thought back to his previous meetings with her. The first was in Redcliff three years ago. She had just defeated the same magister twice, once during the present and once in the future (which he noted, would have been impressive even without the time travel). He regretted that meeting almost immediately afterwards, and now he regretted it even more. He had been so angry that the Rebel Mages had invited Tevinter Magisters into his lands and allowed them to take over. He had tried to be gracious towards them for her, for Elena, however that turned out to be impossible. They made him look like a weak King on his already unstable throne. He had demanded that all the mages leave and she had laughed at him, right there, in his face. She had just been the Herald then and her eyes had sparkled in a way that he had never seen before. She had thought it was ridiculous that he would try to kick all the mages out of Ferelden.  
  
"You want to do what?" She had laughed, "Kick all the mages out of Ferelden? You do realize that your country is huge? And that mages are just... people right? Like they look like everyone else? I mean you had a hard time keeping apostates out of your woods even when the Templars weren't crazy. Didn't the Champion of Kirkwall live here with her all mage family for like... years? In a town crawling with Templars? And now you want to crack down?" She had then gone on to disregard everything he said and instead invited to protect the mages in Haven, as allies, even after everything that they had done.  
  
He had been so mad that he hadn't noticed how beautiful she was until their second meeting. He had gone to the Winter Palace at the recommendation and invitation of Lady Josephine Montilyet. He had reached out to the Inquisition hoping that their impartiality would allow them to help ease tensions between Ferelden and Orlais, the Ambassador had suggested that as a first step he should attended the peace negotiations between the three contenders for the throne. Yet again she had managed to impress him by uncovering a plot on the Empress's life and arresting everyone involved with an ease and flair that showed just how capable she was. She had been wearing a blue gown and simple jewels that brought out just how bright her eyes were. Her hair had been tied up but by the end of the night a few tendrils had come loose around her face. Her face was round and covered in freckles. She had a scar running down her cheek that seemed fresh. He had been told that she had gotten in at the Battle of Haven when the mountain fell on her. She had completely commanded the attention of the entire court by simply showing up, everything else was just a bonus.  
  
After all the excitement she had danced for the longest time with the Qunari. He had never seen anyone so happy than she was as he twirled her around the dance floor. The two were so enthralled with each other that they didn't notice anyone else around them. It made his heart hurt to watch, as he remembered a time when the world was falling apart, and he had someone to look at like that.  
  
They had stopped dancing and she had been standing alone for the first time that night so he got the courage to ask her to dance. He felt as though he needed to apologize for his conduct the last time they had met. She had given him a huge smile, as though the night had been an easy one, and then gracefully turned him down. Their group was leaving in a moment so she didn't have the time to spare.  
  
"However," he remembered her saying, "At the next one of these fancy parties I would love to dance with you. Promise me that you'll save me a dance?" She had made him shake on it before the Qunari returned with two of the last glasses of wine, and literally swept her off her feet as he danced her back towards the door. Heavens he had been a large man.  
  
He had heard about the events during the Exalted Council, and was sad for her. It had seemed to him that night as though the Qunari was just as in love with her as she was with him. Teagan had warned him that she had changed since their last meeting. She couldn't have changed that much though, it was not the first time she had faced tragedy.  
  
He was hoping that they would get along when they met, he had always wanted a family but he had never thought it would come from a stranger. Although he had many years to get used to the idea it had never quite set in. He wanted the real thing, but that was out of the question since Elena Surana had died fighting the Archdemon during the last blight. She was his love and that would never change. So now he had to take an opportunity to strengthen his claim to the throne, and that chance was coming from the Herald of Andraste.  
  
His page, Owian, came running into his study, "Your Grace, she is riding through the city now!"  
  
He jumped up at that and pulled on his coat, he needed to meet her at the gate to the Palace, her new home. As he walked he noticed just how sweaty his palms were, maker he hoped she didn't try to shake his hand.  
  
Once outside he was able to see her procession nearing. The people of Denerim had gathered on the sides of the road and were cheering and shouting, the people already loved her.  
  
In his memories she always seems to glitter, like a gem, or like the mark on her hand, however as she neared he started to notice what Teagan had meant. She was dressed in all black, riding on a black steed; her face was steely as she looked ahead unsmiling. Her hair had been cropped short, and her once round, rosy, cheeks were now pale, and gaunt. The light that had danced in her eyes as she had laughed at him in Redcliff, and that had shone in them while she promised him a dance, was gone. She reminded him of how he had felt in the months following Elena's death.  
  
As she pulled up to the steps one of the guards ran up to her horse to offer her helping getting down. She stared at his hand and said, "I'm missing a hand, not a leg, and certainly not my dignity, and I can get down from my horse all on my own." And swung her leg over the other side and hoped down. As she approached he didn't know what else to do so he decided to fall into a deep bow, which she decided to copy.  
  
"Welcome, Inquistitor Trevelyan, the Herlad of Andraste, to Denerim." He said trying not to look as nervous as he felt inside.  
  
"Thank you, I wasn't expecting such... commotion." She said while motioning to the crowds.  
  
"Yes of course, I'm sorry I should have known. Next time I'll be sure to order everyone to just turn and look the other way when you approach." She didn't laugh, "I'm uh, I'm sure you are hungry and tired and probably don't want to just stand here in the doorway." He was rambling, oh maker why was he rambling, "I will walk you to your rooms, the Royal Wing is down this way." He said gesturing inside the palace. "Of course I'm sure you guess it would be... Inside."  
She gave him a small smile that didn't quite reach her eyes and followed behind as he walked her to her room. The servants trailed along behind carrying her luggage.  
"We've received all of the things you sent this way and I had them set up in your room, I hope it is satisfactory, if not we can of course change it! No rules on decorating here!"  
  
"Thank you, I'm not fussy. I'm sure it'll fine."  
  
"Covered in Mabari's most likely, hope you don't mind vicious dogs staring at you while you sleep!" He was sure that he was the most awkward man in the planet.  
  
She laughed lightly, "I've slept in worse conditions, trust me. As long as there is a bed I'm happy."  
  
"Oh well then we'll have to send back the fur mats immediately. Last time I hire an Avvar to decorate." She just chuckled in response.  
  
Once they had reached her room he stood in the doorway and explained the schedule to her. They would send supper to her rooms where she can dine as she pleases with her friends. In the morning it would be the same with breakfast, however at high noon the banquet would begin, which would officially start the wedding festivities and would be followed by entertainment. That would go until late into the night. The following day would of course be the wedding, quick and dirty all of it.  
  
Her coronation would take place after a few months and would have to be a much larger event. Her nose crinkled at the thought, she was so tired of large parties.  
  
"I was also wondering if you wouldn't mind taking a walk with me between breakfast and the banquet tomorrow? I was hoping to give you a proper tour of the castle and the grounds, so you don't get lost." He asked, hoping she would be interested. He wanted to know her a little bit before they were wed.  
  
"Oh yes! That would be much appreciated. I would hate to be stumbling around into the wrong rooms." She said, brightening up slightly at the idea.  
  
"Excellent, I'll see you in the morning then.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cassandra, and Josephine had traveled with Thalia the Denerim for the Wedding, Sera and Cole had met them there. Liliana had also arrived a few days before anyone else and was staying at the Chantry. Cullen, Blackwall, and Vivienne had all stayed behind in Skyhold should anything happen. It was a stretch but they figured that since Solas had erected the Veil there, that he might try and retake it. However, that did not seem to be the way he did things. Likely if there was anything there he needed, he would have taken during his yearlong free stay, and if not he could have easily gone back for it at any point since then. The only difference was that this wedding marked the first time the Inquisitor was not living in her castle and the eyes of the world seemed to follow her, so if he wanted to retake it fully, this would be his best chance.  
  
Instead of spreading out to find the guest rooms the small group had decided to just spend the night in Thalia's rooms. There was a larger room, that had a bed big enough for three people, a couch that faced the fireplace that was big enough for one - two if they got cozy - and a small empty servants quarters off to the side that had two small beds in it. She wasn't sure why she would need to have servants sleeping in the room with her, but maybe things had been different for Queen Anora.  
  
As such when she awoke her friends were spread out all over the room. The trip had lasted a week and it had been a much-needed break from Skyhold. She had missed the way that they lived while they were traveling, all piled up on top of one another in camp, sharing tents and beds. She was happy to see that it didn't have to end just quite yet. However, in two days time she would be married and they would have to move into the guest wing, just in case Alistair decided to visit.  
  
It was darker in the room than she had become accustomed to, both in Skyhold and on the road. There were three windows along one wall, which had stained glass depictions along the edges, but they didn't let in very much light. Her books, some that she had sent from Skyhold, others that Dorian had gifted as a wedding present, were all stacked neatly on one wall, which was almost entirely made out of bookshelves.  
  
She gathered that she would be spending a lot of time in this room. She had stopped drinking after Ambassador Teagan left and had instead thrown herself into research about the Veil. She had taken dutiful notes that she had also tried to look through when the books got dull, however when she found the first page that mentioned The Iron Bull she had spiraled out and spent the next few days breaking everything in the old Tavern. Since that point Cassandra had kept her notes hidden. She had asked Dorian for advice and he had responded by rounding up probably every book in Tevinter on the veil and sent it to Denerim. If she was going to stop Solas she was going to need more information.  
  
A knock came at the door, and she opened it to an elf with a cart full of breakfast. She hadn't intended to wake everyone up but as soon as they heard the cart rattle and the smell of food almost everyone woke up, with the exception of Sera who wouldn't wake up for a dragon.  
  
Breakfast had been all right, the Herald was more just happy to be spending some time with her friends, time away from Skyhold, time somewhere new.  
  
However it couldn't last forever, and as they were finishing up she remembered her promise to the King and rushed to get dressed.  
  
The knock on the door came a little while later after her friends had left for the day. They had to help Josephine get ready for the busy day. Apparently Thalia had brought gifts from Skyhold (unbeknownst to her) for the King that needed to be put together, she however had absolutely no idea what they were or how many she had brought. Josie had arranged everything while the former Inquisitor had spent her time engrossed in her books.  
  
She opened the door to find an extremely well dress King Alistair, she hoped that her formalwear was enough in comparison. He was wearing an ornate deep red jacket that had detailed embroidery, and a fur lined collar. She however was wearing what she had always worn at formal events at Skyhold, which was armor that was made from gold and had never seen battle. She had been forced to wear a formal dress to the Winter Palace and it had made her feel out of her element. She figured that since she would be wearing a dress during the actual wedding her fancy armor would be enough. Now she was second-guessing herself. He looked ready for a party while she looked ready for a duel. However, she thought, what is an arranged marriage other than a duel where both parties are expected to survive.  
  
"Ah excellent! You're awake and ready, though we aren't asking you participate in any of the games... You do know that right?" He asked with an awkward look on his face.  
  
"I'm not changing." Suddenly she felt exhausted, she hoped that this day would go by quickly so she could crawl back into bed sooner rather than later.  
  
"Of course not my lady," He said with an awkward chuckle, clearly uncomfortable, "Just double checking! Don't want my new wife to thinking I'm throwing her to the dogs today that’s all."  
  
She cringed when he said new wife, this day was going to be long. He extended his elbow, clearly hoping she would loop her arm through it while they walked. She was however, not his blushing bride and she had no intention of acting like it.  
  
"Ohhkay, well lets get going then." He said as his arm fell to his side, "As you know this is the Royal Wing, my room is right across the hall from yours. There are also a number of other rooms where my Uncle stays when he visits. However, largely this part of the castle is very empty."  
  
They were walking down the hall passing a number of doors that she imagined led to empty rooms. Between each of the doors there were paintings of the Ferelden countryside, as well as a few depictions of Andraste. Alistair was chattering along about the people who were allowed to stay in that part of the castle. She wasn't really listening as none of it applied to her. Not until she gave him children anyway.  
  
"I suppose the only exception we would be allowed to make for non-family members would be Lilia- sorry Divine Victoria. I still can't believe she's the Divine, when I knew her she was just the most murderous sister I had ever met. Crazy what time does to people. Anyway you're family would of course stay here as well."  
  
"They won’t visit."  
  
"Oh really? Why not? Do they not travel well?" He asked, a look of concern crossing his face.  
  
"Because I wont invite them." She responded, not bothering to check to see how he responded to that. Her relationship with her family was none of his business.  
  
"Ah, well... That's nice." He said nervously laughing. Maker she needed to soften up or he would spend their whole marriage terrified of her. Maybe that’s what she wanted.  
  
"Do these doors all lead to other bedrooms?" She asked, trying to change the subject.  
  
"Some are hallways that lead downstairs for the servants, but largely yes they are bedrooms. This part of the castle is able to house 30 people, however in the past many of the rooms have been used as playrooms and other things instead of for sleeping. But it does mean that we will have plenty of room to expand!" He said and let it sit there as she stared at him. He realized quickly what he had just said and the tops of his ears turned scarlet.  
  
She remembered that she needed to play nice, "You're very right, it will be nice to see this area more bustling." She also gave him a small reassuring smile. The thought of having children didn't scare her, in fact it was the one thing she had to look forward to.  
  
He smiled in return, grateful that she was loosening up a little, "Ah and here we are, and this is the library. I've heard you have a fairly large book collection, so you will probably like this."  
  
She didn't actually care for reading very much; it was just a necessity while she was trying to figure out what Solas was doing. The only time she had ever visited the library in Skyhold was to visit with Dorian. He was always frustrated with the size of it, the only time she ever added to it was when she found of tomes she thought he would like, or when he asked for things specifically.  
  
Alistair pushed the large double doors open to show a massive room with tall ceilings. There was a balcony that allowed for a second floor and wrapped around the room. The flooring, walls, and tables and chairs were all a dark mahogany and there were carvings of mabari everywhere. There were chandeliers hanging from the ceiling that she was sure Sera would try to hang from them given the chance. There were couches that were tucked between shelves in front of the windows; it seemed like a great place to spend a rainy day.  
  
"Most of the books are about Ferelden history, I've added a few about the blight and the wardens, and I know there are some fiction. Although, I should admit that I don't really spend any time in here. Not much of a reader myself."  
  
"To be honest, I'm not either." She admitted.  
  
"You had more books sent here than one person would be able to go through in a lifetime? What do you mean you're not much of a reader?" He asked, clearly confused.  
  
Thalia shrugged in response, "Most of those were sent from Tevinter from my friend Dorian, he likes to read and always thought he could get me hooked. The rest are about the ancient elvehn."  
  
"Oh, your friend Solas, right."  
  
She didn't respond. She had liked Solas and they had been good friends, or so she had thought. Another person she had been wrong about, she should start making a list.  
  
"Well, they we should move on. This other big door leads into the Great Hall, which I think we should avoid for now or else we risk getting put to work preparing for the Banquet." He said as he turned a tight corner to a much smaller door that was tucked between two shelves.  
  
"This is my study, not very exciting but it's where you can find me most of the time." He said as he gestured around the room. It wasn't very large, a few bookshelves, a couple of paintings on the wall of Redcliff. There was a sofa that was facing a very large fireplace that looked comfortable. There were large windows behind a very messy desk that overlooked the gardens.  
  
"What is this?" Thalia asked as she picked up a statue of a demon made out of onyx.  
  
"Oh, that was just something we discovered during the blight." He said before grabbing it out of her hands and placing it carefully back on his desk. She had noticed that unlike most of the other decorative things in the study, that statue was not covered in dust. It clearly meant a lot to him.  
  
"Why don't we, uh, just move along? There really isn't much in here." He said as he placed his hand on the small of her back and steered her out back into the library.  
  
"Lets go down here, it'll lead us to the kitchen." He said as he pulled her towards another small door. It led to a stairwell that emptied right into the kitchen.  
  
There were humans and elves running about frantically, and it smelled like heaven.  
  
"Normally it isn't this busy but, you know, banquet." He said while waving his hands about. "Uh out here is the garden. "He said as he walked through a door and outside. "You can also get here from a few places on the main level via that balcony." He motioned towards a huge and ornate set of stone stairs that led to a large balcony that took up the whole side of the castle. "I like going through the kitchen the best though, sometimes there is a snack for me to steal."  
  
There were huge hedges surrounding them, and as he led her through them they passed a large fountain and a number of statues. He stopped when they arrived at a section of the garden that looked uncompleted.  
  
"So I had this part dug up for you. I hear you like playing in the dirt."  
  
"What?" She asked, very confused.  
  
"Ah I didn't say that right. This part, it's a gift. I wrote to your Ambassador to find out what you like to do. She said you spend a lot of time in the garden, growing plants and such. So this part, it's yours to do whatever you want with it." He said, his ears turning red again.  
  
Thalia was surprised. She hadn’t expected him to care about her interests, especially seeing as they didn't know each other.  
  
"I just know that this isn't the way you saw yourself getting married, and to be quite honest it's not the way I saw myself getting married either. But I want you to be happy here, I want to make you happy." He said, his hands clenched at his sides. "You will of course also be receiving the more official wedding presents later, royal jewels and what not. But I wanted to give you something that was more personal."  
  
"I... I don't know what to say." This was not how she had ever seen an arranged marriage go. Everyone in her family had their marriages arranged to perfect strangers, and not once had either party shown any interest in the personality of their partner. It's not how things were done.  
  
She reached out and took his hand in hers and gave it a soft squeeze, "Thank you Alistair, this was too kind. I'm sure I will be content here."  
  
In response she got a big smile, and he pulled her hand up and kissed the back of it lightly. His facial hair was rough on her skin but his lips were soft. What was he doing?  
  
"I'm glad to hear it, if there is anything else you require just let me know."  
  
"Actually, do you mind if we continue the tour another day? I would love to look around this area before everything starts." She asked, suddenly feeling incredibly overwhelmed and just wanting to be alone.  
  
"Oh yes of course!' He said, still smiling "I will, uh, just leave you to it then! Will you be able to find your way back just fine?"  
  
"Yes, I should be okay." At that he turned and headed back off to the castle. As soon as he was out of eyesight, she sunk to the ground.  
  
"I am the Inquisitor, I am the Herald of Andraste, and I do not have time to cry." She said to herself as she put her head in her hands and took a few deep breaths. She hadn't expected that he would want to be friends. She had figured that he would come around once a month to try and get her pregnant, and then for the rest of the time they would ignore each other. Her parents had always filled their time with different projects and different affairs; she had rarely seen them talk to one another. For her siblings and aunts and uncles she had heard it was the same.  
  
You can't be friends in an arranged marriage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a tumblr too!
> 
> https://lightoftheveilfire.tumblr.com/


	4. The Wedding

The rest of the day had been a blur. They had started with competitions, which as stated earlier she was not allowed to compete in. As the day wore on she wished desperately that she had been allowed to, as she was sure that she had never been more bored in her life. There had been fencing, shooting, even a round of jousting which Thalia had been surprised by. Varric who had arrived that morning had won the shooting competition, which had pissed off Sera to no end.  
  
"It's not right you little hairy little pit stain! I'll get you with a real freaking bow and you'll be bits up! Little cheater!"  
  
She had continued ranting for a solid hour about the injustice in Varric using Bianca, and the competitions had been forced to move on over her yelling.  
  
Cassandra had competed in the fencing and had won against a handsome smooth talking knight who promptly asked for a dance at the party the next day. Thalia hadn't seen her that red since everyone had found out about her smutty book obsession.  
  
She hadn't know any of the people who were competing in the jousting, Alistair - whom had been sitting next to her the whole day - told her who to cheer for. Some Bann from a place she had never heard of had won that and everyone had been very excited. Apparently this had been his first time competing in their games and he was considered an underdog.  
  
After they had spent the afternoon watching others be active while eating and drinking they moved on to the banquet, which meant more eating and drinking for a few hours. Seeing as Thalia had been living off a liquid diet for the last few months, she had been sure she would be sick from overeating after the first hour of this marathon. The Great Hall had five long tables running up the middle where almost everyone sat, however she and her husband-to-be sat in a table at the front of the room. Leliana, Ambassador Teagan, Varric, and a few others of importance accompanied them. Since Varric was sitting on her right he had been tasked with making sure she did not drink too much. Seeing as he was usually one of the main culprits when she went on a bender, it was uncharacteristic to have him taking her glass away.  
  
Once they were finally done eating, it was time for the couple to exchange gifts in front of their guests. Josephine had instructed her to act surprised, Thalia figured that wouldn't be hard seeing as she had no idea what she was giving him. The gifts she had brought were put on display first. The first of them was a set of golden, engraved spears. Next came a chest full of the gems she had discovered in one of the Dwarven Tombs in the Hissing Wastes. Then came some of the relics from the Temple of Tyddra Bright Ax, which he probably had a semi-reasonable claim to in the first place, but he still acted grateful. Then he had his servants bring out her gifts, which started with the Royal Jewels, the only thing that was missing was the crown that she would receive at the coronation. Then came a set of knives that were made with gold and inlaid with gems. The last of the gifts were five new gowns that she imagined she would never wear. Apparently they were the latest fashions and were made with imported silk, but she never really cared for heavy gowns as they made it difficult to move. She still acted surprised and happy at each of them, as Josie had dictated. The knives had been nice and she figured they would go well with her formal armor, but the rest would probably go in her closet and never come back out.  
  
The party had then moved into the Ballroom, and seeing as most of their guests were fairly drunk by that point the dancing didn't last very long. Thalia was back in her room before midnight along with Cassandra and Josephine. Sera had passed out somewhere back in the Ballroom, and Varric and Leliana both had their own rooms. She had last seen Cole comforting some noble girl whose boyfriend had just dumped her, so he would be gone for a while.  
  
"Well that went well, you seemed to enjoy yourself Herald." Josephine said through a yawn as she helped Thalia out of her armor.  
  
"It was so exhausting, I can't believe we have a whole other day of that."  
  
"Tomorrow should be worse," Cass was always the optimist, "Especially because people wont start drinking until the night so they will be energized. And I've talked to Leliana, the ceremony will be long."  
  
"Maker Cassandra, couldn't you have let me be surprised?"  
"Sorry, you need to be prepared. If you fall asleep in the middle of her speech she will be very upset, and you know where the people she's upset with tend to end up."  
  
"Leliana's feelings will be the least of our problems if you fall asleep. Herald, tomorrow it is vital that you start making connections with the nobility here. That is where you will find all of your support should you need to fight Solas." Josephine cut in, clearly also worried about the possibility of Thalia sleeping through the ceremony  
  
"I have been to a few long ceremonies before if you can remember, both of you can relax. However, speaking of Solas, do we have any word on if he's made a move on Skyhold?"  
  
Cassandra shook her head, "No one has sent a raven, Leliana has people waiting and watching for one day and night."  
  
"Great, let me know if that changes." Thalia let out a long yawn as she crawled into her bed. There was a lot more space now that she only had to share the room with two people. She was not looking forward to the next day.

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The next morning was wild. Thalia was awoken by five elven women bursting into her room with Josephine following behind. The sun was hardly up and it took a lot for them to pull her from the warm bed. Once she was finally up they put her in a bath that was full of some of the best smelling soap she had ever encountered.  
  
"Hey Josie, if it took me getting married for you to bring out stuff that smells this great than I should have gotten married years ago." Josephine was not impressed.  
  
Once she was out they rub great smelling oils into her hair and debated on what they were going to do with the short locks. At one point they seemed to be in agreement that they would need to get a wig, thankfully, at that same moment Cassandra decided to wake up and shut that idea down.  
  
"Her hair is short, and she is missing an arm. She is the Inquisitor not some young blushing child, he knows what he's getting" While Thalia was thankful for her friend, she also figured that he did really know what he was getting.  
  
She was first put into some lacy smallclothes that didn't really hold anything in. If she had been a more self-conscious person she would have been embarrassed. They left her in that while they smeared make-up over her face. They covered the scar than ran down her cheek and all of the freckles on her face, which she didn't like. But they also made her lips very red and her eyes look bigger, which she appreciated so it evened out.  
  
She had been flexible with everything thus far because she knew how much extra work she had put on Josephine to make it happen so quickly, however when one of the elven women pulled a silverite, engraved, arm out of a box that all changed. The stiff fingers were long and inhuman looking, and there were ugly, painted fingernails engraved at the tips.  
  
"Absolutely not. Josie what is that hideous thing?"  
  
"Do you not like it? I had it made especially for today by one of the best smiths in Orlais."  
  
"What is it even for? Why do I need to pretend I have an arm?" Thalia was absolutely disgusted by the idea of having to wear a decorative digit.  
  
"You can't just not have hand on your wedding day!" Josephine responded.  
  
"Why not? I don't have a hand every other day of my life!"  
  
"What will he put the ring on? Besides, people will be horrified if you just have nothing." She wasn't going to let it go.  
  
"He can put it on my real hand! If it's really that big of an issue I'll just wear the one Dagna made me. That works."  
  
Josephine was horrified at the thought of her friend wearing a crossbow to her wedding, "No absolutely not! Do you have any idea how much work it was to get this in time? How much work it was to set this wedding up in two months? I haven't slept in weeks Thalia, the least you could do is just listen to me."  
  
At that the guilt set in. Thalia knew that she had put her friends through a lot since the Exalted Council. "I'm sorry Josephine, you're right."  
  
"I know this has been hard for you, and you have sacrificed so much. Today will go so much more smoothly if you just wear it. It will show all of Ferelden that you are dedicated to playing the role of Queen." Josephine said with a sigh, clearing wanting her to understand why it was important.  
  
Thalia just nodded in response. It took three of the elven women to tie the incredibly heavy arm on. It had ribbons that wrapped up her bicep and then connected to her stays. She was pretty sure it weighed more than Bull's battle-ax had which was saying something. It was going to be a long day.  
  
By the time they finally finished dressing her it was noon, and all they had time for was a quick run down of the schedule before she was whisked off to the carriage that would bring her to the Chantry.  
  
  
"Looking good smiley, but what's that contraption they have you in?" Varric asked once she was seated and the carriage was moving. She had asked him to walk her down the aisle as she didn't want her parents to be there and he was the closest thing to a mentor and father she had ever known.  
  
"I don't know, Josie seems to think my stump will scare the Fereldens. I always thought they were supposed to be a hearty bunch but I guess she doesn't think that highly of them."  
  
"She did always seem happier in Orlais." He said with a nod before going quiet. The only noise was the sound of the horses pulling them along the cobblestone road.  
  
"Look, kid, are you sure about this?" He said as he finally broke the silence and gave her a concerned look.  
  
"I don't have much of a choice, do I? This is the answer to all of our problems." She responded while avoiding his gaze.  
  
"We don't have any problems anymore remember? You took care of that when you disbanded the Inquisition." He said crossing his arms.  
  
"I still have a responsibility to stop Solas. I can't just let him kill the world Varric." She said wishing they had talked before they were on their way to her wedding.  
  
"Smiley, I haven't seem you smile, like really smile, since I've been here. You deserve to put your happiness before saving the world this time. Everyone owes you that much. Let someone else take care of this one." He reached forward and put his hand on her knee forcing her to make eye contact with him.  
  
"Me getting married has nothing to do with my happiness." She paused, feeling the familiar lump grow in the back of her throat, "Bull is dead Varric, and I can't change that. All I can do is move forward."  
  
"Is this moving forward though? Marrying a man you don't know?"  
  
"It's all I've got Varric, I don't know what else to do." She said, pushing the lump in her throat down. She couldn't cry now. Would she ever have time to cry?  
  
Before he got a chance to respond, they arrived at the Chantry.

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King Alistair's hands were clenched and sweaty as he stood at the front of the Chantry, his old friend Leliana was standing next to him. She was Divine Victoria now, and he was so grateful when she agreed to drop everything and come officiate his wedding. She had been one of Elena's closest friends so she knew how hard this was for him. He had broken up with Elena right before she had died because he had known that he would have to marry someone of a noble background, and yet it had still taken him over ten years to actually do so. He wasn't sure he would ever be able to love anyone again, but he still had a duty to his country.  
  
The harpist started to play a melody as the large doors to the Chantry opened. Thalia and Varric Tethras walked through, her hand tucked into the crook of his arm. He had been surprised when she had asked for the dwarf to walk her down the aisle instead of her father, but ultimately it didn't really matter to him.  
  
As his gaze left the dwarf and towards his wife-to-be his breath caught in his throat. She looked so different than she had in the garden the day before. Her freckles were gone, as was the scar that decorated the side of her face, and her eyes looked far too large. She looked alien; beautiful, but completely foreign. Where the empty space should have been at her side was instead a hunk of metal that was in the shape of a hand, it look heavy and cold. She looked about as miserable as he felt.  
  
As Leliana asked Varric to give her to the King he reached out and took both her real hand and the fake hand. He had been right, it was cold and heavy.  
  
Maker it was going to be a long day.  
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As she stood in front of all of Fereldan and listened to Leliana bless her marriage the lump reappeared in the back of her throat. Alistair was holding both her real and her fake hand and she could tell he was nervous. His palms were warm and sweaty and he was holding on to her far tighter than he needed to.  
  
He was dressed well, in a deep blue version of the suit he had on the other day. His hair was pushed back, and the facial hair that had scratched the back of her hand in the garden was gone. He had a few wrinkles on the sides of his eyes that showed his age, and a few scars that showed his experience. She hadn't noticed just how pretty his eyes were, a dark green color with thick eyelashes.  
  
She couldn't help but think about how pretty their children were going to be. She had always imagined her kids being half Qunari. They would have dark skin, with small horns. She had always thought they would inherit her blue eyes, while their hair would be dark like Bull's had been. Now, looking at her actual husband she knew her children would have red hair; some would probably have her blue eyes, while some would have his green. None of them would have horns or dark skin, and there was a good chance they would have her freckles. Instead of having weird titles they would have names from the Ferelden Royal family line, the oldest boy would probably be named after his father.  
  
She couldn't help but feel disappointed when she thought about this new future. Would she be able to love these future children as much as the imaginary children she was supposed to have with Bull?  
  
As Alistair slid the ring on to her real hand and said his vows, she knew, regardless of how she felt about him she would love her children. She was not her mother.

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The rest of the day was even more of a blur than the banquet the day before had been. Just as Cassandra had predicted, she had to talk to far more people. A few nobles even pulled her aside at one point to bring up some land dispute that they wanted her help with. Alistair managed to always be close enough to help her remember names, or divert questions if need be, which she was grateful for.  
  
It was a relief when Leliana pulled her into the kitchen to discuss a raven she had received. Talking over the results of a battle was far more comfortable than the latest gossip.  
  
"You were right, Solas did make a small attempt at what we think was a plot to recapture Skyhold in your absence." Leliana told her as she was pushed aside by one of the kitchen hands as they rushed to bring out food to the hungry dancers in the ballroom.  
  
"Casualties?" Thalia asked as she took the opportunity to adjust the fake hand for the first time all night. She could feel the ribbons biting into the soft skin on the underside of her arm; she hoped it wouldn't cause her to bleed all over her white dress.  
  
"We don't have exact number yet, Thom Rainier was hurt but will recover."  
  
"Thank the Maker." She would have never forgiven herself if she had lost one of her friends on this gamble.  
  
"Apparently Solas's people were surprised by the number there, they put up a small fight before running back into the Eluvian." Leliana continued with her report.  
  
"That's... Surprising... Solas isn't stupid and he knows we aren't stupid. Keep watch for any other disturbances in Thedas, he was probably using that as a distraction from something else. Solas would have known that the only reason I would have left Skyhold with the Eluvian open is if I had a sizable force defending it."  
  
"I agree, something isn't right. I'll send ravens to my people right away. Now you need to get back out there before you're missed." She said shooing the Herald towards the door.  
  
"Whatever you say Divine Victoria." Thalia responded with a big smile, knowing her friend hated being called that in private.   


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As the evening drew to a close the new couple had their first dance and yet again Thalia couldn't help but compare her new husband to the Iron Bull. Alistair was so formal and stiff as he spun her around the room, very careful to not touch her inappropriately and to not get to close. She remembered back to when she had danced with Bull in the Winter Palace, he had spun her around the room without a care in the world. Everyone was horrified at the sight of the Herald of Andraste with a Qunari, but they didn't care.  
He had taken every opportunity to slide his hands over her ass, feeling the strength in it as she moved, and occasionally over her tits, trying to make her nipples hard without anyone noticing. Eventually the two couldn't keep their hands off each other and he had left her on the edge of the dance floor to go and find a dark corner. She loved the thrill of semi-public sex; the scandal of it all heightened her senses and made it so much better. It had not been the first time they had found a dark corner at a bad time, and they had been caught a few times but she had never cared. She remembered standing there, waiting for him as the heat between her legs was becoming more than she could handle. She remembered him sauntering up to her, smirking because he could see the need in her eyes, he knew what the waiting was doing to her and he had loved every moment of it. He had interrupted someone - she couldn't remember whom, and at the time she hadn't cared - to whisk her off to his spot he had found.  
  
This dancing was nothing like that, he seemed to have no desire to touch her anywhere never mind drag her off into a corner and officially make her his wife. As soon as the music stop he stepped away and bowed to the crowed.  
  
"Thank you so much for attending this wedding between myself, the King of Ferelden, and the Lady Inquisitor, Queen of Ferelden. However, it is time that we retire for the evening. I encourage you all to continue to dance and be merry!" As he finished his speech he pulled her closer before sliding one arm under her and lifting her right off her feet. The crowed loved that and started to cheer and clap, and a few people even yelled out some lewd comments. As soon as they were back in the Royal Wing and away from the gaze of the crowd he put her back on her feet. The two walked the rest of the way to her room in silence.  
  
Once in the room she noticed that some changes had been made in her absence. The mess that had been created that morning was gone, as were the blankets on the bed. Instead it was covered in white sheets and rose petals. The table in the middle of the room where she had been taking her meals was now covered in wine bottles; probably the best Ferelden had to offer.  
  
He stared at the bed for a long time with a strange expression on his face before turning to her, "Would you like some wine?"  
  
"Yes please." Maker she could use a whole bottle.  
  
Once he handed her the glass and took a sip of his own he spoke again, "We finally had that dance you promised me."  
  
"Sorry?" She had promised him a dance? The only other time she had met him was in Redcliff, they had exchanged a few letters about a Venatori problem he was having in his court but neither time had dancing even been brought up.  
  
"Don't you remember? At the Winter Palace, I caught you right as you were leaving and you promised me a dance at the next party we both attended."  
  
She thought back to that night, remembering that while she had waited for Bull someone had asked her to dance. She had hardly been paying attention to him. "Were you wearing a mask that night?"  
  
He laughed, "A small one, but I would have hoped you would have remembered me anyway."  
  
Guilt overwhelmed her. She had been so consumed with her own desire she hadn't paid attention to the King of Ferelden. Instead she had apparently promised him something to get away from him, and now it was coming back up on her wedding night.  
  
"You don't remember do you? I suppose you were far more memorable than I was. You did steal that show in every way a woman can steal it." For the first time he gave her a look that suggested he might find her attractive.  
  
She stepped a bit closer, "What do you mean?"  
  
"Well, unless you forgot you did also uncover a plot by Corypheus and arrest the Grand Duchess." She gave him a long hard look, encouraging him to continue, "But also you were clearly the most beautiful woman there, by a long shot. I would have been a fool not to ask you to dance."  
  
She stepped even closer, putting the wine glass on the table before gently running her index finger down the buttons on his shirt, "I hope the King of Ferelden wasn’t upset that I kept him waiting all this time for one small dance."  
  
He stood stiff as a board as he looked down at her, "Of course not, that would be a silly thing to be upset about, not very kingly. I am just happy you allowed me to make you the Queen of Ferelden."  
  
"Well," she said as her hand drifted to the back of his neck pulling him closer, "I am not really the Queen yet, am I?"  
  
He didn't respond, instead he slid his hands around her waist and pulled her closer before leaning down and kissing her softly. His lips were gentle as the two found a slow rhythm, tongues dancing together, and hands searching. She left his mouth and took her earlobe between her teeth and gently bit down, before he pulled away.  
  
"I'm sorry I can't do this."  
  
"What?" She asked gaping at him as he moved to sit down on the bed.  
  
"I can't do this, I can't bed a woman I don't know." He said as he put his head in his hands.  
  
"Why not? You just married a woman you don't know." She asked, so confused.  
  
"I thought I could. Besides you're the one that wanted to get married right away without getting to know me first."  
  
She couldn't believe he was doing this, "You just said you thought I was beautiful, has that changed? Do you really care about a hand, or my hair?" She was mad now, she couldn't believe she had just married someone so shallow.  
  
"What? No! Absolutely not! You're still one of the most beautiful people I know, that hasn't changed." He sighed, "I mean doesn't it bother you? You don't know me."  
  
"This isn't about knowing you, this is about doing what we have to do on our wedding night." Maybe not shallow, but definitely stupid.  
  
"You're lover just died four months ago, doesn't that bother you? Don't you want to wait until it's right to make love?" He had no right to bring up Bull like that.  
  
"What in Makers name are you talking about? This is not the same, and it is most certainly not about making love or what ever other nonsense you're going on about."  
  
"Exactly my point! Don't you want to wait until it isn't a business transaction?" He said, giving her a hopeful look.  
  
"Who says we will every reach that point? Most couples don't. You need an heir to your throne, the only way for me to give you that is if we have sex. If we do it now or wait it wont change that." She was getting tired of this. Of all the ways she had assumed this night would end, talking her new husband into sleeping with her was a surprise.  
  
"I believe it will," he said as he stood up and walked back over to her and placing his hands on her waist again, "I believe that we will get to a point where it is not about duty and where it is about desire."  
  
"You're a fool." She snapped before pulling away from him. "If you're not going to be ripping this forsaken dress off me than can you at least help me untie it?" She asked and turned around. He didn't respond, and instead carefully pulled the laces apart so she could take the dress off. She turned back around to face him, pure fury in her eyes as she pulled the outer layer of her dress off, reveling the complex way her fake hand was tied on. Instead of asking for his help again, she decided to try and pull it off on her own.  
  
"Can I help you with that?" Alistair asked holding his hand out. She was struggling with the knots, and the ribbon looked like it had been cutting into her arm for hours given how red her skin was.  
  
She responded with venom in her voice, "The only thing I need your help with is getting pregnant, so sod off." She was embarrassed. First he had turned her down for sex, which had never happened to her before, and now she was struggling to untie some simple knots on her own. He was only making things work by point it out.  
  
"I just want to help, it looks like it hurts." He said, feeling meek. He didn't want to start things off with her like this. He wanted to be her friend, to make her happy.  
  
She finally gave up and stormed off to the trunk at the end of her bed and pulled out one of her knives. She slid it under the ribbon, cutting it off her arm and letting the hand fall to the ground with a thud.  
  
"Oh maker now you're bleeding! Stubborn woman." He said as he rushed to her side to try and help.  
  
"I am fine!"  
  
"Please, I am sorry. Just let me help you." He said, desperate to fix things. "Look you're right, I am an idiot. I don't know how to explain anything. Please me bandage your arm and I will try and explain myself better."  
  
She let out a deep sigh, he was clearly trying to make it up to her, "Fine."  
  
He sat her on her bed and used the handkerchief in his pocket to cover the bleeding wound. "I've never had a family, it's all I've ever dreamed of and all I've ever really wanted. A long time ago I thought I could have that. I fell in love with a woman and she with me. However, instead of being together forever, she made me the King and then sacrificed herself to save the world. I never thought I would love anyone ever again."  
  
Great she thought, here's where he tells me about the sidepiece he has.  
  
"And largely I was right, I have never met another woman that can compare to her. She was the first woman I have ever spent the night with, and since her there have only been two others and they did not stick around for long. I only laid with them in moments of great weakness."  
  
Her mouth fell open at that, "Wait, in the last thirteen years you've had sex, how many times?"  
  
"Five. I cannot comprehend laying with a woman that I do not love, and since I have not loved since her I have not been intimate very often." She was staring at him with a look of utter shock. "And so I understand that we will need to be intimate, however I ask you to have patients with me. I know we may never have love, but I would like us to be friends. I want us to be happy so that our children know us to be happy parents. I want a family, not just a dynasty."  
  
She nodded slowly; she understood where he was coming from finally, "I... I get it. I can't promise you anything other than some time. I will eventually require children from this marriage."  
  
"As will I," he responded, "But we don't have to do that tonight."  
  
The bleeding on her arm had slowed as he found a length of cloth to bind it with. "Will you let me help you with the rest?" He asked.  
  
"I won't be able to get the back of my stays alone." She responded. While she had still been angry with him she had planned to just sleep in her stays instead of trying to take them off on her own. This was going to be far more comfortable.  
  
As he untied them he said, "I should probably stay the night here so people think that we did our duty. We want everyone to treat you as the Queen in the morning."  
  
She nodded but didn't respond otherwise. Instead she went into her closet and pulled out a large shirt and quickly changed from the lacy smallclothes into it. She wondered if seeing her in the lingerie made him reconsider his stance at all. When she turned around he wasn't even looking at her, instead he was removing his formalwear himself. The two brushed the rose petals off the bed, found a better blanket, and went to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like it! 
> 
> My tumblr:
> 
> https://lightoftheveilfire.tumblr.com/


	5. Alone for the First Time

When the sun was just beginning to shine through the windows, Inquisitor Thalia, now Queen Inquisitor Thalia felt the bed move as King Alistair vacated his place. She usually slept far better when there was a warm body next to her, but something about his warm body had left her restless. She wasn't sure if it was just the failed expectations about their wedding night, or the fact that the wedding was over and now she was going to have to figure out how to be married to him, but her mind had been racing the whole night.  
  
She had grown up in a loveless household. Her parents had been together as the result of an arranged marriage. They spoke to one another at formal functions, but rarely in private. When parenting questions arose her father made the decisions for her one brother and her mother made the decisions for she and her two sisters. The Trevelyan parents also rarely spoke to Thalia and her siblings.  
  
She was the youngest of four and was primarily raised by a series of governesses and her older siblings. She was closest in age to her brother who taught her how to defend herself. He was required to take lessons in horseback riding, jousting, archery, and many other things; Thalia however was never allowed to participate. The two would sneak off whenever they got the chance and he would show her everything he had learned. She was always far more adept with knives and archery than swords, while he preferred to use swords. Her sisters showed her how to be self-reliant, they taught her that anything she ever needed she could make on her own. It was because of her oldest sister that she started gardening. Her sister lived by a code, if you aren't willing to do something than you cannot ask someone else to do it. Through that the two girls spent most of their time in the fields or the kitchens. Once her mother found out she immediately arranged a marriage for the older girl. Each of them were expected to married off when they were 18, her oldest sister however was married off at 16.  
  
Her sisters example was always used a threat whenever Thalia was acting unladylike, which was most of the time. It was why on the eve of her 17th birthday Thalia ran away from home and joined up with a mercenary company. Because of her age and her inexperience she was mostly expect to fix things around camp, and keep them fed. She also had a tendency to slip into the bed of their leader Mary-Ellen. The older woman was also a rouge, and she took Thalia under her wing and taught her what it meant to fight.  
  
She always seemed to end up in the bed of someone older and more experienced than herself so how did she end up married to a man who had only been with three women in his lifetime? Once he had left she sat up in bed and groaned. She couldn't believe she was married.  
  
"Lady Inquisitor, Queen of Ferelden, Herald of Andraste Thalia Therin." The new title felt weird on her tongue, while she had never felt much pride in being a Trevelyan it was still who she was. Now that she was a Therin could she be someone new? Would she be expected to be someone new?  
  
She swung her freckled legs over the edge of her bed and looked at the long scar going up the side of her left leg, her missing toe on her right foot, and her missing arm and knew that she could never be someone new. Being the Inquisitor had irreparably scarred her and Ferelden would just have to adjust.  
  
She knew she would never be whole again.  
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Thalia's friends were staying around for a few days, they said it was to make sure she was settled but she was pretty sure it was mostly because they missed being together just as much as she did. During those days she didn't see much of Alistair, instead taking her meals in her room, sharing her bed usually with Sera unless the elf was to drunk to make it to bed, which happened more often than one would expect.  
  
None of them had asked about how her wedding night had gone, although Sera had made a few lewd suggestions about it and Cole, understanding the situation, had tried to help in his way.  
  
"Cold and distant and pain so much pain, but not forever. Warmth will come." Thalia quickly tried to change the subject and instead started a conversation about Maryden. She was doing well apparently, was sad she couldn't attend the wedding but Cole thought it was best if only those closest to her were there.  
  
She hadn't talked about it until she was able to get ahold of Dorian via the sending crystals he had given her. Before the wedding they had been able to talk often, though normally their conversations consisted of her drunken ramblings until one of them fell asleep. It had been three days since the wedding when they were finally free at the same time.  
  
"My dear friend! Have you missed my charming repartee already? It has only been a few days." She could tell he was smirking into the crystal. She had spent the last twenty minutes talking into the crystal until he had finally answered, she was nothing but persistent.  
  
"Oh my love you know I'd die if I had to go a full week without hearing your velvety voice." She said as she stretched out on her bed happy she got ahold of him.  
  
"Oh of course and I would miss you dearly if you died, but at least it would give me the opportunity to wear the outfit I had picked out for your wedding. If only I had been able to make it!"  
  
"It's fine," she said with a sigh. He had been the most upset of her friends that she chose to have it so quickly. There had been no way for him to leave Tevinter at such a short notice. "I'm sure you'll find someone to impress with it."  
  
"Don't I always? Now I need every detail."  
  
Thalia did not fail to fill him in on every detail, making sure to pay special attention to the way everyone was dressed because she knew he would care even if she didn't. He was of course appalled at the fashion (or lack there of) in Ferelden.  
  
"You would think that there were no furry animals left anywhere near Denerim given the nobilities obsession." He remarked, she could see in her minds eye exactly the face of disgust he was probably making.  
  
As she told him about her failed attempt at seduction he kept interrupting her to loudly laugh at her expense.  
  
"And you just lay there? While he slept?"  
  
"Dorian, what else was I supposed to do? He didn't want me, or he wants to be friends or something. Anyway it wasn't happening."  
  
"That is absolutely awful, and you haven't seen him since?" He responded.  
  
"I haven't exactly gone looking for him and I don't think he's looked for me at all. I don't know what to do exactly; I've never had to work to get someone into bed. Usually I express passing interest and then next thing I know I'm in way over my head."  
  
"What do you want to do?"  
  
She paused at that. What did she want? The heat that used to fill her, consume her, was gone, and she no longer sought the pleasure that she used to constantly desire. She found him handsome of course, but she wasn't drawn to him in the same way as Bull.  
  
She thought back to the first time she met him. His body glistening in the rain as he took out the Venatori, the smile on his face as they made introductions, she was attracted to him from the beginning. She however didn't know exactly what it was she wanted until their first time when he pinned her against the wall and showed her exactly what her life had been missing until that point. She hadn't thought about what she wanted then, it hadn't mattered. She knew what she needed and that had been him.  
  
"Thalia? Are you still there, or did you fall asleep on me yet again? You know most would be thrilled that I took time out of my day to entertain them."  
  
"Yes Dorian I'm still here. I don't know what I want I guess."  
  
"Is he ugly? You know I don't quite remember, everything other than the demons taking over the world has really slipped my mind from the day that we met him."  
She considered that, "No I think you would like him actually. He's very... Pretty? I guess."  
  
"Well maybe that is the problem, have you ever gone for someone who is pretty?"  
  
She groaned in response, if Bull had been there he would have been offended but of course he wasn't. He never would be. "I don't think that is the problem. Dorian, I think I'm broken."  
  
"Broken? What did Solas take more than your arm?" He said through laughter.  
  
"No not like that. It's stupid forget I ever said anything."  
  
"Maybe he's right you know." Dorian said before a long pause, "Maybe it's best if you wait. It has only been a few months. Grieving takes longer than that or so I'm told."  
  
While he was probably right there was no way she would admit to it, she was nothing if not stubborn. They spoke for a while longer before he fell asleep mid sentence and she dozed off soon after.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Varric do you have to leave so soon?"  
  
"That's the thing about running a city Smiley, you can't leave it for long." Varric said looking at Thalia from the other side of the sofa.  
  
The two were sitting in her room, a fire roaring, and a bottle of wine to share. He was leaving Denerim the next morning and heading back to Kirkwall. One after another all of her friends were leaving and the Queen of Ferelden was being left alone, friendless, in a foreign castle.  
  
"I do actually know a thing or two about running things if you have forgotten."  
  
He laughed, "Smiley there is a huge difference between rehabilitating a city and running an army."  
  
She slid her cold toes under his leg and leaned back against the arm of the sofa sipping on her fourth glass of wine. They had been talking for last few hours and he had told her one unlikely story after another. She was going to miss this.  
  
"So, you gave me that estate and a key to the city right?"  
  
"Yeah pretty sure that was me who did that."  
  
"Well, didn't your assistant or whatever say that there was supposed to be a ceremony?"  
  
"Yeah the nobility wasn't happy when they found out I gave away the key to the city to someone they had never met before. But don't worry about it, it's my problem to deal with." He said in response.  
  
"Well actually, I was thinking that it might be an excellent occasion to get some like minded friends together, maybe some of your friends, some of Leliana's friends, and some of our mutual friends. For old times sake you know?" She said trying to get him to understand where she was going with it. "I imagine it's a big house, maybe we could even have a quiet after party, a meeting of like-minded individuals with similar beliefs in regards to a certain elf?"  
  
He grinned at her, understanding what she was getting at, "I think I know of a few people who would be very interest in a formal banquet closely followed by an exclusive after party hosted by our lovely Queen of Ferelden."  
  
"Excellent my friend, if you wouldn't mind using your extensive reach to work on setting that up?"  
  
"I think I can make it happen in the next few months, but what will your husband think of you running off to another country so soon after the wedding?"  
  
"Well Varric, I image he will be pleased that I am already putting so much effort into establishing foreign relations with the nobility of Kirkwall." She said, knowing he probably wouldn't actually care one way or another.  
\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One after another all of Thalia's friends had slowly left Denerim. Leliana had been the first to go, only sparing a few moments to talk to her and promising to write before running off to Val Royeaux.  
  
Cassandra had been the next to leave. She had gotten word from the Therinfal Redoubt about an issue in training the new Seekers that required her immediate attention. Their goodbye had been emotional and long, with Cassandra promising her that should she ever need it, the Seekers of Truth would stand behind her.  
  
Varric left the following day, with Sera leaving soon after. She had never cared much for Denerim and living in the castle had been suffocating. She also was desperately missing Danga, who had been sorry she couldn't make it but she had been working on a new way of enchanting kitchenware to make cooking easier, and couldn't spare the time. She had sent along a prototype for a new lyrium infused hand that would hypothetically be able to move just as a normal hand would. However it was simply a prototype and Thalia seriously suspected that she would never see the final version, as there was a good chance it was impossible.  
  
Cole had left quietly the following day without giving a real goodbye, instead he just sat with her and talked about how her strength will never fail to keep her going forward. The conversation had left her feeling better, as always happened, until she realized that he had left right afterwards. He had figured that an actual goodbye would make her hurt, but it wasn't the goodbye she was sad about, it was him leaving.  
  
Josephine had been the last to leave. She had stuck with the Inquisitor since the Exalted Council, not leaving her side for longer than a day or so. She understood how hard it was for Thalia to be alone, really alone, after everything that had happened. But she did eventually have to leave and go home to her family. Their goodbye was the hardest for Thalia to deal with. The other woman had always provided her with so much strength and guidance, never wavering, never judging. She had come to depend on her for almost everything.  
  
"You will remember what I told you? As Queen it is your duty to build relationships with the nobility as they will try to come to you when your husband is unavailable, or more likely is saying things that they don't like. Thankfully this is the Ferelden Court so you will not have to worry about the game but -"  
  
"Josephine, I will be fine. I did grow up like this remember?" She said as she pulled her into a hug, "I will miss you so much."  
  
"Oh my! I can not even begin to explain how much I would rather stay here with you my friend."  
  
"Duty calls on us all, doesn't it?” Thalia responded with a smile.  
  
After she had left, the new Queen of Ferelden was totally alone in a foreign court. It had been years since she had felt so isolated and she did not know what to do with herself, and so for the first day she really did nothing. She knew that she should probably do some research, or write letters. She wished that it were warmer out so she would be able to spend time out in the garden but alas there was still snow on the ground. Instead she decided that the best use of her time was lying in bed.  
  
This is, until a knock came from her door at some point in the evening.  
  
"Uh hello? Thalia, ah excellent you are alive. No one has seen you all day and so I was starting to worry we would have to tell the world that you had died the second you were left alone. Figured that would have gotten me into some hot water."  
  
"Alistair?" She said, sitting up in bed utterly confused as to why he was in her room with a large cart full of food.  
  
"That is my name, good thing you haven’t been a hermit for to long or you might have forgotten it." He said, clearly unsure of where to put his eyes.  
  
"What are you doing here?"  
  
"Well, you have been spending most of your time with your friends, and seeing as they left I figured you would appreciate some company for dinner so I brought it to you."  
  
She looked at the cart, some stew from the looks of it, along with bread, cheese, and ale. It reminded her that she hadn't yet eaten that day. Josephine would have been furious with her. They had just started to get her eating semi normally again and as soon as they left that had all gone to shit.  
  
As soon as she stood up she realized exactly what sort of state she was in. Pants-less, with only her sleeping shirt on, her hair going in every direction and smelling like she had just left the Mire. What an excellent impression to make.  
  
"I um, I wasn't expecting company."  
  
"Well yes that is the point of a surprise. I guess I missed that part. Well, surprise!" He said throwing his arms in the air as he gave an uncomfortable chuckle.  
  
She laughed nervously before excusing herself to put on clothing that was more acceptable.  
  
"You really don't have to if you don't want to. Your comfort is my priority! I promise!" He responded as she ducked behind the doors of her wardrobe. She could hear him muttering under his breath as she changed.  
  
"It's fine really. I needed to get dressed today anyways!" She said in hopes that it would stop him from continuing to chastise himself.  
  
She tried to tame her unruly hair as she walked back around into eyesight. She had put on some brown pants and a simple wool shirt, as well as some smallclothes. It was kind of him to bring her dinner and so the least she could do was be presentable.  
  
As they ate he attempted to make small-talk as she picked at the piece of bread on her plate.  
  
"So that Sera, she a spunky one isn't she? Best thing I've seen all year was when she tricked Arl Bran into sitting on that dessert plate. He was all 'No! My Silk pants!' which of course just made it seem even more like he had shit himself. I haven't seen Cousland laugh that hard in ages."  
  
"Yeah she does have that effect on people. I would argue that she wasn't even at her best this trip." She said as she watched him devour enough food to feed her for a week.  
  
"Wow, you will have to invite her back. It will definitely spice things up around here." He said with a mouth full of food. She had always thought that kings were supposed to have better table manners. "Do you not like the stew?"  
  
"What?" She asked.  
  
"Do you not like it? It's my favorite, especially for cold days like this one. But if you don't care for it just let me know and I'll make sure the kitchens don't make it again."  
  
"Oh! No it's delicious. I'm just not very hungry."  
  
He gave her a long look, "If you say so. As you can see I do not have the problem. One of the side effects from being a Warden is I have the appetite of a druffalo."  
  
"Really? I had never considered that. The only Warden I've ever really known turned out to not be a Warden at all. What is it like?" She asked, curious if it had other side effects. He started telling her stories of his time with them, a distant look in his eyes as he explained the battles, and the people he met. She was especially fascinated to hear that he was able to tap into their hive mind. She knew about the calling, but had no idea that they could hear the darkspawn at other times.  
  
"That's so incredible, can you hear them now?"  
  
He laughed, "Well no, thankfully there are no darkspawn anywhere near here. But I have also been so cut off from that part of me for so long, I don't know if I would still be able to tap into it."  
  
"What do you mean? Your warden-ness... Wore off?" She asked, confused as to what he meant.  
  
"Not it's more like... Ah how do I explain it? Just as the darkspawn can communicate, other Wardens have somewhat of a connection. We can feel each other just as we can feel the darkspawn. For example, just as you have to train to keep your senses at their best, I have to train to keep that connection at it's best. However, I will still most likely here the calling and everything. I heard it the last time anyway."  
  
It had not occurred to her while they were dealing with the false calling that the Warden King of Ferelden would have been affected, and if he had she would have expected him to reach out to them. "You heard it? Did you not act on it?"  
  
"I did not know what to do. As I had said I have been cut off from Weisshaupt so I had no way of knowing that the other Wardens heard it as well. I just thought I was dying. I did make a will and named a successor, but other than that I did not know what to do. It was why I started to push to get married soon after."  
  
"You realized that you need children." She said as he shifted uncomfortably in his seat.  
  
"Yes, I have a duty to this country. I won't live very much longer and that is just the reality, I cannot leave Ferelden defenseless as my brother did." He said, meeting her steady eye contact.  
  
"Well of course, you duty to your country comes before all else."  
  
"Yes, but it will be all for not if you don't actually eat something! I do believe I am getting skinnier just looking at you pick at your plate." He said smiling again, clearly looking to change the subject.  
  
She was however far to stubborn to let him, "Than why don't you stay the night, make sure I finish eating, whatever there is to eat."  
  
He shifted awkwardly, "You know I wont."  
  
"Yes, yes, you want to be friends, but what if I want to be friends who fuck."  
  
"That would require that we were friends first. I still do not know you." He said returning his attention to his bowl.  
  
She sighed loudly and leaned back in her seat, "I have never been turned down like this."  
  
He grinned at that, "Oh so that is what this is about! I hurt your ego. The beautiful Inquisitor who has wooed the world is hurt that one man isn't willing to jump into bed with her at first sight?"  
  
"You know most men would jump into bed with me given the chance." She said pouting.  
  
He reached across the table and took her hand in his, "I am not most men Thalia, and while I do find you quite beautiful I need more than that. Please let me have that. I promise it will be worth it." His eyes pleading for her to drop it.  
  
"I'm sorry, you're right I'm being childish." She said as his thumb made soft circles on the back of her hand. How was a Warden King so gentle?  
  
He smiled at her, he was soft she realized. So different than everyone else she had ever loved. Maybe Dorian had been right. Did she have a type? Was he just not her type?  
  
What if she never grew to love him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea how to get the notes from the first chapter to stop showing up in every single chapter, I'm so sorry.
> 
> I'm pretty busy this month so while I will try and post a chapter every week it might end up being more like every two weeks or so.
> 
> My tumblr! https://lightoftheveilfire.tumblr.com/


	6. Becoming a Queen

Over the next few weeks the two settled into an awkward rhythm. Thalia would spend her days either in bed staring at her ceiling, or trying to find a way to pass the time. She had tried to befriend some of the servants but their shifts rotated in a way that made it difficult. Sometimes she read, and other times she found something to tinker with. Around dusk Alistair would come by with dinner and the two would make awkward small talk, usually revolving around what he dealt with during the day.  
  
"And then the Bann actually said to her 'Ser with all due respect you look far to much like a mabari for it to be worth cheating on my wife,' and Teagan about leapt across the table to remove the wine glass from his hand. Can you imagine if that were true? Travel to Ferelden to see the amazing dog woman in the flesh! She might even try and seduce you if you're lucky." He said with a laugh. Today he was telling her all about his luncheon he had with a few of the nobles at court.  
  
"Well, then at least we could start bringing in tourism revenue." She responded with a laugh.  
  
"You know you would be more than welcome to join me at those sort of things? In fact I think I would appreciate the company. It would be nice to sit next to someone that didn't dream of having their claws around my neck."  
  
"Oh my dear you clearly have no idea what I dream about." She laughed through a sip of wine.  
  
"Oh well then I rescind the offer, time to start sleeping with one eye open!" His eyes were twinkling, "But I am being serious, if you don't want to jump into things like that then you are also welcome to bring your projects into my study while I am there. I do enjoy your company."  
  
She was surprised to hear that. She realized that she had enjoyed their dinners together as well, no matter how awkward the conversation usually was. It broke up an otherwise very lonely day. However he still largely seemed like a stranger. She could tell he used humor as some sort of defense mechanism to avoid getting close to anyone, but she was more than willing to play along and not get close to him either. It meant that while she seemed to know every joke that could be made about his schedule, she still had no idea what made him tick.  
  
Bull would know, Bull always seemed to know what drove people.  
  
"I would like that I think. At least until the sun comes out, then I might have to abandon you for the garden." She said while picking at the food on her plate.  
  
"Understandable, plants usually are more interesting company than I am." He smiled, "You should make sure to finish that, it's very tasty." He had started to grow worried about how little she seemed to eat, but seeing as they didn't spend any other time together he didn't notice her other more troubling habits that she had taken up since the Exalted Council.  
  
She couldn't decided what was worse, her drinking problem, how little she ate, or how much she slept. What most people seemed to notice was how little she bathed, the rest she had managed to keep mostly to her self, with the exception of her nosey husband nagging her every night.  
  
"I'll work on it I promise."  
  
"I'm not going to leave until you finish."  
  
"Okay Alistair." She said with a smile realizing that she didn't mind if he stayed longer.  
\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"What are you doing?" Alistair asked looking up from his desk for the first time in an hour. He had been engrossed in trying to figure out the best way to send support to a political ally in Antiva who was engrossed in some sort of scuffle with a member of the royal family. He was trying to avoid seeming like he was influencing affairs in another nation, however if this ally failed than Ferelden would lose a major trading partner.  
  
Thalia looked up at him unable to answer because she had a screwdriver jammed in between her teeth. She was sitting on the couch in his study working on a new prosthetic. However given the fact that this part involved holding and moving many different parts at the same time, she had the screwdriver in her mouth, the contraption was being held by her feet, and a wrench was in her right hand.  
  
As part of their new rhythm, sometimes instead of laying in bed all day she would join him for meetings or in his study. He liked it when she joined him because she had excellent decision making skills and was unafraid to be blunt with him. During the last hour of figuring out the issue in Antiva she had been patiently listening and offering advice whenever it was needed. However her sudden silence due to the screwdriver had finally pulled him from the papers.  
  
She spit it out before responding, "Trying to making this damn thing work, what are you doing?"  
  
"You know what I'm doing. Why were you sucking on a screwdriver?"  
  
She grinned at him, "Would you like to know? Come a little closer and I can show you exactly what I was doing with it."  
  
He couldn't help but laugh, "Oh I'm sure you would show me a good time alright, however my Kingly duties call."  
  
"You need better connections in Antiva. This wouldn't be happening if you had diversified your trading routes. Instead of messing around in their political game you should spend your resources finding more partners. Try sending some representatives out there or something." She said decisively. He was amazed at how quickly and easily she made decisions.  
  
"Yes but that could take months and this is a situation that is quickly deteriorating. I've heard that the Crows have gotten involved on both sides."  
  
She considered that, "I believe I have some contacts in the Crows, we worked with them a few years ago. I bet if you took the money you were going to use to support what's-her-name and instead paid them off it would give you the time to make the contacts you need."  
  
He considered that. He wasn't sure if they would be able to be paid to abandon their other contracts, it would be bad for their reputation if word got around. The conversation actually made him miss Zevran, which was rare. He had been close to Elena, seeing as both had been elves who were forcibly removed from their native culture they had a lot in common. At first he had been jealous, especially seeing as Zevran had been far more experienced, but eventually he realized just how good his relationship was with Elena.  
  
Now he would give anything for her to be somewhere happily married to Zevran instead of buried in the ground.  
  
"I don't think they would give up a contract for any amount of money. No one would hire them if it got around."  
  
"I'm not saying you should ask them to give it up, I'm saying to should ask them to stall. As long as they do it after you've established new trade routes, this little war wont matter at all for Ferelden." She returning back to prosthetic. It looked like it was supposed to be a knife that would only unsheathe itself when she commanded it to. He had no idea how she made it work; she seemed to know how to make everything work.  
  
"That's actually.... a really good idea. Hey you have any interest in taking things over for a few years? You're much better suited for this than I am."  
  
She just laughed in response. They had started to become more comfortable around each other, often spending the better part of their days together. He liked it when she smiled, it was rare that he got a genuine one out of her but it was always so rewarding when it happened. She was so different than any other woman he had ever met before. She never dressed up, always seemed to be dressed in some brown wool pants and shirt combination. The dresses and jewels she owned were collecting dust in her closet. While Fereldens were not as flamboyant as the Orlesians, her choice in dress had still be somewhat of a scandal at court. He wondered how long it would take before the women of court would follow her lead and cut their hair off. That would be a sight.  
  
She acted differently than any woman he had known at court as well. She kept to the shadows, only joining him for public events when she absolutely had to. She was good at it when she did show up, but she was far more comfortable in the kitchens helping the cook, or with the blacksmith, always working with her hands. It had been a month since their wedding and he was pleased to see her finally leave her room and make connections with someone in the castle.  
  
When Elena had died he had done much the same thing. While he was crowned King, his Uncle Eamon had taken over much of the ruling. He had tried to have her buried in Ferelden but the wardens had demanded she be taken to Weisshaupt. He hadn't been able to visit yet, he didn't know if he would ever be able to visit. To face up to the fact that she was dead because of him.  
  
"Excuse me, my Queen?" Owian said as he stuck his head into the room, "You have a letter from Viscount Varric."  
  
She jumped up grabbing the letter from his hands, "Thank you! When did the messenger arrive?"  
  
"Just now, as promised I brought it right away." He smiled at her, had they become friends when Alistair wasn't looking?

 

Thalia was so excited to finally get word from Varric, since their conversation after the wedding she had been waiting to hear from him. She had asked Alistairs page to keep an eye open for any word from Kirkwall and he had been kind enough to do it.  
  
_Smiley,_

__

_Hope you are settling into Denerim and the castle isn't too stuffy. Viscount Keep sure is stuffy anyway, do you have any idea the last time I've been able to head down to the tavern to grab a drink? That will all change soon though! I officially invite you to a banquet in celebration of your heroics on the 15th of Bloomingtide 9:45 Dragon, during this party you will (officially) receive a key to the city, and no I've been told that you are not allowed to test it out (But who knows, if you've gotten any better at sneaking around we might be able to figure something out). I have invited our friends to attend as well and anyone who's anyone will be there. You're estate is being set up as I write this, don't worry I'll send you the bill._

_Write to me some time! I want to hear stories from life at court, the drama, the intrigue, leave no details._  
-Varric Thethras  
  
She smiled down at the messy handwriting, in two months she would be back with her friends. She wasn't sure who else he invited, it was probably for the best that he didn't mention specifics in the letter. It could have been intercepted by anyone.  
  
"Alistair?"  
  
"Yes, what is that?"  
  
"I have to leave for a bit. For probably a few weeks in Bloomingtide."  
  
He frowned at that, "Okay, I suppose I will survive without you here. But seeing as you have become about 90% of my impulse control I can't promise I wont accidentally send us tumbling into war with those Orlesian pricks."  
  
She couldn't help but smile at that, "You exaggerate, you're a competent King."  
  
"You flatter me, competent, practically on my way to decent." They smiled at each other, "But really, what do you have to do?"  
  
"During the Exalted Council Varric gave me a house and a key to the city. I guess the nobles freaked out because there is supposed to be a ceremony or something, anyway now they're having it. He's invited some of our friends I guess. It'll be good to see everyone."  
  
He leaned back in his chair with another frown on his face, "How long will you be gone?"  
  
"Well, it takes what, three days to travel there from here? I'll probably stay ten days, then three days back so about two weeks."  
  
"Well if there is any business I need you for, please make sure it's done by then."  
  
She was surprised at that; currently she didn't really have any duties. Occasionally he would ask her to join him for some event but it never seemed as though it was a duty per say. She would advise him of course, as she had been doing for the better part of that day but again it never seemed like a duty.  
  
"Of course, all of those duties I have right now."  
  
He gave her a long look, why was he being so weird, "So back the current business. Do you mind looking over some of these documents?"  
  
She stood and took the stack of documents from his hand. They were all letters from petitioners; asking for help in a scuffle, help on the coast after a particularly bad storm, one was even from the Arl of the West Hills asking for help in finding a husband for his daughter. It was written before their wedding and Thalia guessed that he had hoped the King would have married her instead.  
  
She looked over them each one by one before she finally reached one that interested her. It was from a soldier in the Hinterlands who was stationed at the Winterwatch Keep. In the letter he wrote that a glowing green orb on top of the north tower exploded with energy randomly and collapsed the whole thing. He was requesting resources to rebuild the northern part of the Keep.  
  
"Solas" she whispered to herself.  
  
"What was that?" Alistair asked, she had forgotten he was there.  
  
"Nothing my dear." She said as she looked at the date in which that had transpired, 23rd Guardian 9:45 Dragon, her wedding day.  
  
That had been what he had been distracting against; the devices he had told her would strengthen the veil had been tampered with. But to do what? What had these explosions caused? She needed to get her friends to look into this immediately.  
  
"Alistair?  
  
"Mhhm?"  
"I'm afraid I need to leave you for a bit. I have something to take care of that I had completely forgotten about."  
  
"Ah I see, as soon as you are given a job you run away. That’s fine, that’s fine. Just leave me here, all alone, to deal with this all by myself. Fine, fine.  
  
She smiled at him, "So much drama for one man. I pray you don't perish in here by yourself."

__

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The guards dragged a man in fine but ragged clothes into the petitioning chamber. Since their conversation a week before Alistair had started asking her to join him more often. She thought he was probably trying to prove to her that she was needed as Queen or something. What his end game was though she wasn't sure.  
  
They were judging a prisoner who had been buying lyrium on the black market and then selling it cut with powdered blue vitriol. Apparently he had then murdered an ex-Templar who had found him out. He had been in the stocks for the last week since he was brought into Denerim. She and Alistair were sitting in the two thrones at the front of the room surrounded by the courtiers.  
  
This brought her back to being in Skyhold, except at the end of the day she no longer had to make any decisions. She could advise him, but he had to do the hard part, he had to look everyone in the eye after. She remembered how everyone always doubted her; someone always had something to say after she made a decision. Iron Bull had be the only one who consistently agreed with her, the only one who didn't judge her or get angry at her decisions. It was something they had agreed on before they had even gotten together, he had admired that instead of executing or imprisoning people she found new ways to put them to work. It was a waste to kill talented people, talented people who had the ability to change given the chance.  
  
She saw that in this man as well, "Explain yourself." Alistair said shortly, his face stormy.  
  
He didn't lift his head, "I did it, nothing else to explain."  
  
Alistair frowned "Nothing to say in your defense? Really?"  
  
"No I did it, I deserve whatever punishment you deem reasonable."  
  
Thalia was worried about how this was going. Clearly there was more to this story than this man was letting on. Standing next to him was the Captain of the Guard, whom she hailed over with a flick of her wrist, "There is more to this mans story, what can you tell me?"  
  
He shook his head, "My Queen I do not know, he was brought in this week from a minor Bann."  
  
She frowned; if Alistair made a gut judgment based on what he had done he would miss everything else and might kill a man who didn't deserve it. "Can you ask around? I'll try and stall the King's judgment until you get back."  
  
As he left she turned to the man sitting next to her, he was giving her a confused look.  
  
"Can we talk privately?" She whispered into his ear.  
  
He nodded and stood motioning around the room, "I will consider the best punishment for this... Villain. I will gather everyone to hear my final decision." Before she could respond he slipped his fingers through her hand and led her back towards his study, motioning for Teagan to follow. She couldn't help but wonder how such a stale man became such a trusted advisor.  
  
She didn't know what Alistair was thinking and it worried it her. This was the first real test in their relationship, if you could call it that. For the first time ever she had to sit in judgment and not judge. For the first time she was in her friends position, having all the answers but none of the responsibility.  
  
"Thalia, what did you want?" Her husband asked, a serious look on his face.  
  
"I just thought we should talk about this, I wanted to hear your thoughts."  
  
He frowned at her, "Well he killed someone, maybe more people if they became sick from the lyrium. It's a pretty clean cut case."  
  
She sat on the sofa as he leaned against the desk, the fire was cold and light poured in from the windows.  
  
It was quiet for a long time, no one wanting to condemn a man to death before Teagan spoke up, "While things have been complicated with Templars, this man doomed one to death. I think you know what to do Ser."  
  
Thalia couldn't help but shake her head, "But why? How is that enough for you?"  
  
He shook his head, "What do you mean? He killed someone Thalia, what more do you need?"  
  
"I want to know why. What's his life like? Why was selling bad lyrium? What drove him to kill that Templar? He seems repentant; I want to know if he can change."  
  
His eyes met hers as a silence fell over the room; neither looked away, "You think he should be saved?"  
  
"I think he can be saved, it's not my place to decide if he should be saved."  
  
"Why? He didn't give the Templar that choice."  
  
"Aren't you better than he is? Isn't that the point?"  
  
"...Teagan, give us the room." He said, not looking at the other man. Clearly that was not the right thing to say, or maybe exactly the right thing to say if she was trying to stall his judgment.  
  
Thalia heard the door click shut and before she could think Alistair had moved across the room and was standing over her, "I am not trying to be cruel, I want justice."  
  
She stood, meeting his steady gaze, "There is a difference between justice and revenge."  
  
He took a step closer, she could see the scar above his eyebrow clearly now, every wrinkle around his eyes she could trace, even memorize. Their breath mixed together, warming her.  
  
"What do you consider justice then?"  
  
"I want to know why he did it, what drove him to that lifestyle. What made him so desperate? There is clearly something else there and it is our responsibility to figure it out." She said softly.  
  
"He is just one man."  
  
"I was just one woman, one woman accused of destroying the Conclave and killing the Divine and Cassandra saw something else in me. I have to see that something else in other people. You can't ask me to not." His hand slid around her cheek as she spoke.  
  
"You are not like everyone else, not even close." He was so close, his fingers so soft against her skin. What was this?  
  
"I am just like everyone else Alistair. Everyone has a story, everyone deserves the same amount of dignity, no excuses."  
  
"What would you have me do?"  
  
"Wait, I asked the guard to look into him. When they get back with answers for his motive then act. Give him the benefit of the doubt. What if he is able to use his old contacts to do some good? My old friend Cullen set up a rehabilitation clinic for old Templars. What if he is able to find more people to join it? Think of how many lives he can save if he uses those skills for good."  
  
Alistair's eyes drilled into her as she said that. He was warm, so inviting. This was business what was happening? What did he want from her?  
  
"As you wish my Queen." He said softly before stepping away, a pained look on his face almost as if it hurt him to be separated from her.  
  
"Thank you my King." Thalia whispered in response. Before she could think, before she could decided it was a bad decision she stepped forward pressing her body against his. She tentatively reached her arm up, sliding her fingers around the gentle curve of his ear and through his hair before pulling him closer and softly kissing him.  
  
His mouth was soft and warm and he was seemingly unsurprised by her actions. He opened up to her almost immediately.  
  
It wasn't passionate, it wasn't heated, and there was no need in the kiss. However she didn't want it to end, something about how soft and sweet it was captivated her. She knew if it continued any longer she wouldn't be able to stop, her self-control waning.  
  
"I'm sorry I shouldn't have done that." She said, unable to meet his eyes. She knew he wanted to wait and yet she still acted. She had been lecturing him on respect and yet she couldn't give him the respect he wanted. Maker why was she always so rash.  
  
"My Queen," he said softly, nudging his nose against hers, "Please never be sorry for being honest."  
  
"You know that's not what I'm apologizing for."  
  
"I know exactly what you're apologizing for." He said, right before kissing her again. This kiss still managed to be even shorter than the last, leaving her wanting more. Wanting him for the first time in their marriage.  
  
A knock came at the door, pulling him from her side as he went to answer it. She couldn't see who it was from her angle, but she assumed it had to do with the prisoner given the hushed whispers.  
  
"It was the Captain of the Guard, his men interrogated the prisoner. They didn't have the time to look further into his background, however after speaking to him they requested the time to do so, which I have granted. His statement is here if you would like to read it." He said as he handed her a sealed envelope.  
  
As she read over it she learned more about the man that she might have to watch be set to the gallows. "His family was ruined during the civil war, Templars came through and demanded he hand over everything he had in order to fund their efforts. They assumed his brother was a mage and killed him. His daughter was starving to death after they salted the fields. Alistair, this was an act of revenge just as much as it was an act of self preservation."  
  
"Does that make it okay?"  
  
"No, but it makes it understandable." She sighed before continuing, "Did you spend any time out there during the war? Did you meet the refugees?"  
  
"Not really, I met with the leaders of both the Templars and the Mages before deciding to stay out of it."  
  
She cringed when he said that. How could he have stayed out of it? "Well I did. I met one woman, an elf. Her husband was a farmer and the Templars killed him because they assumed his shovel was a staff and then took his wedding ring as a trophy. I've seen this mans pain, I've felt his desperation. He did what he had to, while you decided to _stay out of it _"__  
  
He looked surprised as she said that, "What do you mean? Are you saying I'm responsible for his actions?"  
  
"I'm saying that instability wracked your nation and one of the side effects of that is crime. The man seems redeemable, he is not evil and did not act out of evil."  
  
Alistair slid his fingers back through hers, bring them up to his lips before he kissed her wedding ring, "My Queen if it means that much to you I will give him the opportunity to redeem himself, but if he recidivates than that is on your shoulders."  
  
"I can live with that."  
  
"Should we wait for the other information to come back in?"  
  
"Just to be thorough my King." She said as she smiled at him. Maybe she could get used to this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all like reading this chapter just as much as I liked writing it!
> 
> If you have any questions or just want to chat feel free to message me on Tumblr!
> 
> https://lightoftheveilfire.tumblr.com/


	7. To Feel Full Again

The morning sun shone through the large windows, illuminating the dust in the air as Alistair sifted through the documents on his desk. There was an issue to the south involving the Avvar that was going to take tack and deep sociopolitical knowledge of the region and the culture. His advisors would be trying to explain some of it later in the day but given the fact that he knew next to nothing about the political history of Ferelden and the Avvar he had to do some background research.  
  
He had been ruling Ferelden for 13 years by that point and had considered himself incredibly lucky to not have to deal with them until then. They tended to keep to themselves and rarely involved themselves in the rest of the Ferelden political sphere.  
  
He groaned and leaned back in his chair. He was not good at these things, anything involving focus and a deft hand really. Thalia was good at those things; she was turning out to be a far better Queen than he was a King. Which, he imagine, was the reason his advisors suggested the match in the first place.  
  
He glanced over to her spot on the couch. She usually rested against the furthest armrest so she was facing him, her side towards the fire. When it was dark the light from the fire would play across her high cheekbones and make her eyes sparkle. She was nowhere to be found that morning, and while that was not an uncommon occurrence, her absence was still noticeable to him.  
  
He was hoping that the kiss that they had shared the day before was not the reason she was staying away. It had been short and sweet and unlike any kiss he had in years. It had seemed like an honest expression of her feelings, of his feelings. He had thought that his opportunity to have a kiss like that had died years ago, and yet this new woman had come into his life and lit a fire. She had been so warm and inviting, like a meadow on a summer day.  
  
"Meadows, she likes flowers" he thought to himself looking back out the window. Spring would be coming in a few weeks and there was a beautiful meadow a few hours ride to the south of the city. He would have to take her there. He had discovered it after he had become King and so there was no chance to be reminded of her. Of Elena.  
  
The door to his study flew open with a bang and his page Owian stood in the door sweating and panting.  
  
"Ser, you're needed immediately down at the Chantry."  
  
"What?" He asked, utterly confused. "Why?"  
  
"Thalia appears to have gone on a bender and refuses to leave the steps. We think you might be able to get her back up to the castle."  
  
Alistair jumped up and rushed out of the castle. Why in the makers name was she drunk first thing in the morning? Was it as he feared? Was she regretting the kiss that they had shared? He should have shown more restraint; of course she wasn't ready yet.  
  
By the time they had reached the steps to the chantry the sun had raised fully into the sky and a crowd had formed. The city guards were trying to keep people back and almost prevented Alistair from reaching his wife.  
  
His wife, who was lounging on the steps in nothing other than a large dirty shirt, her lips were purple from the cold but she did not seem bothered by anything.  
  
"Thalia, makers breath what are you doing? Trying to seduce the Revered Mother?"  
  
"Oh Alistair! You're here! Come join me I'm playing a game."  
  
He grabbed one of the guards by their shirt and ordered them to disperse crowd before cautiously joining her on the step. "You look like you're about to freeze to death, please put on my coat."  
  
She looked at his hand that was holding the coat out to her with a curious expression on her face "Is it cold? I can't tell."  
  
"Yes, I dare say it is, now please put it on."  
  
She shrugged it on without complaint and leaned back up against the steps, probably giving any passers by a look right up the shirt.  
  
"What are you doing out here? And why are you so drunk?" He asked.  
  
She turned and locked eye contact with him, her eyes were bloodshot and it seemed as though she was having a hard time focusing.  
  
"I was playing a game."  
  
"Really? What game? Scare everyone in the kingdom?"  
  
"No silly," she said with a laugh, tapping him on the shoulder a little harder than she probably intended "I'm making up stories for people."  
  
"What?" He asked.  
  
"Yeah, it's fun watch." She said before the motioned to a woman who was cautiously eyeing the increased guard presence while she was on her way to the market.  
  
"Her name is Linda, she has a husband and three little boys and is terrified because she's secretly in love with her best friend. She goes to the market every day and buys more bread than she actually needs so she has an excuse to bring the leftovers next door and see her. You try." She said, motioning to an old man drinking tea on his porch.  
  
"Ah yes, okay I'll give it my best shot." He said "But only if you'll promise to come back to the castle with me when we're done playing."  
  
"Deal."  
  
He nodded before studying the man, "His name is Tullus, he had a wife at one point, and he has a daughter but she doesn't speak to him. The only thing in the world he cares about is his figurine collection. He lost 7 toenails running into his home while it was on fire 16 years ago trying to save the figurines instead of helping his daughter and that’s why she doesn't talk to him anymore."  
  
She started giggling, "You're really bad at this game."  
  
"What?" He asked, pretending to be offended, "Me? Bad at a made up game? Never."  
  
"You're supposed to try and get as close to the truth as possible, look for clues you know. Like Linda for example, she is tired, and worn out. Her clothes are nice but her shoes are dirty which means she spends a lot of time running after people. Little girls are rarely like that which tells me she probably has a few boys. However, her coin purse, see right there?" She asked and pointed towards it.  
  
"It's heavier than it should be for a normal days worth of groceries which tells me she's feeding more than just her family. She's not so worn out or dressed poorly enough to be a servant and she is coming from a middle class area of the city; so she's feeding someone else, someone she doesn't need to feed. The part about her friend was just wistful thinking I suppose. She looks sad and I wanted her to have something nice."  
  
He just gaped at her in response.  
  
"What?" She giggled.  
  
"How did you figure all that out in such a short period of time?"  
  
"By looking! Bull and I used to play all the time, he was so good at it. He noticed everything. You're nothing like him you know." She said, staring at him again, her face close enough for him to smell the alcohol on her breath. For him to notice for the first time just how blue her eyes were, the color of the sky on a cloudless summer day.  
  
"Is that good or bad?" He asked.  
  
She considered that for a moment, "Good, I think. It makes this easier, whatever it is."  
  
"This is easy? And that's why you're drunk on the steps of the Chantry first thing in the morning studying random strangers?"  
  
She just looked at him before wrinkling her nose and curling up on the step "I'm tired, I want to sleep."  
  
He wanted to chastise her, tell her that Queens can't be getting drunk and passing out in public, but instead he slid his arms around her and picked her and started to walk back to the castle. She was a small woman, larger than most elven women he had known but not by much. She was so startlingly thin, it was easy for him to carry her. Maker, she needed help.  
  
As he walked he knew a crowd was starting to form again. This time the guards would not be able to keep them away. It was a sight to see their the Lady Inquisitor, Herald of Andraste, Queen of Ferelden half naked and drunk being carried up to the Castle by the King of Ferelden. He had been trying to pretend she was okay, that all she needed was time. He had tried to ignore how little she ate, the strange hours she kept, the days in which she wouldn't leave her room. Her involvement in ruling had made it seem like she was getting better, that all she needed was a goal and people to help.  
  
But now he knew, she was not okay and she would not be okay until he did more to help her. She had been comparing him to the Iron Bull, trying to force things to happen because they were so different.  
  
Once he was finally back in her rooms, he gently laid her down in her bed and pulled the covers over her. She would sleep it off in a few hours, he would just have to make sure she didn't dive right back into the bottle.  
  
She looked so peaceful like that. He ran a hand through her short red curls, admiring how soft they felt against his fingers. Her lips had turned back into their soft pink showing that she was no longer as cold. He gently traced the scar along her cheek, wishing he had been there to help her. Wishing he knew how to help her now.  
  
He left her bedside and started to carefully pack up the wine bottles in the room, both the empties and the full bottles. Erasing any memory of her bender the night before. There was a kitchen servant she had befriended. Her name was Doris he thought to himself, she had talked about the woman for a solid hour a few days before trying to get her a pay raise or something like that. He had Owian go find her. He gave instructions that the woman was supposed to stay in her room until she awoke, and the immediately go and find the King. She was then supposed to interrupt whatever he was doing, no matter how important it seemed.  
  
He was going to help her, even if she didn't want to be helped.  
  
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The next few hours seemed to crawl by as the King sat in meeting after meeting listening to his advisors litigate the Avvar situation. He knew that nothing would be decided until Thalia was able to put in her two cents. She had spent time with different Avvar tribes and would have better input than all of his other advisors combined. She had this incredible ability to empathize and understand other people. She was the best leader he had ever seen, far better than he was for sure.  
  
He was finding that he loved it, loved hearing her perspective. The other day when she had fought to keep the prisoner alive he had felt a fire burning inside him, one that he wasn't sure he would be able to control.  
  
"Ser?"  
  
"Uh yes sorry, I missed that last bit." He said as he was pulled out of his thoughts. He couldn't seem to focus on the issue at hand and was instead spending his time thinking of his wife. Maker, how was he going to help her?  
  
"Actually, can we take this up tomorrow? I do not feel as though I have read enough of the briefs to make any sort of decision." He said rubbing his hand over his face.  
  
"Of course Ser, would you instead like to take a look at the upcoming monthly expenses?"  
  
Before he was able to respond a soft knock came on the door and before any of the other men in the room were able to move Alistair had launched himself across the room and thrown open the door. In the doorway stood a nervous looking elven girl, Doris.  
  
"Is she awake?" the girl simply nodded in response.  
  
"I am sorry but the rest of the business will have to be discussed tomorrow, I will see you gentlemen later." He said as he took off to her room. "How is she doing?"  
  
"She is no longer drunk, but she isn't feeling well." Doris responded following closely behind him.  
  
He looked back at her and noticed young how young she seemed, "Do you live here in the castle, or do you have a family outside the castle."  
  
She seemed surprised at the question, "My parents live in the Alienage, but I stay here in the Servants Quarters." She responded so quietly that he almost was unable to hear her.  
  
He nodded, "I am officially promoting you to be the Personal Servant of my wife. There is a room in her quarters that you will move into. This will include a raise but I will let her decided how much that will be. Is that reasonable?" He asked as they pushed into the living quarters. He thought that Thalia needed someone near by watching her, maybe the two women would become friends too.  
  
"Yes Ser." She responded before the two fell into silence until they reached Thalia's room.  
  
Once inside Alistairs heart broke for the second time that day. How did it take so long for him to notice how unhappy she was?  
  
Thalia, the Queen of Ferelden was currently leaning over the side of her bed throwing up into the bedpan. He didn't say anything; instead he went to the fire and put the kettle on for tea. She would need something to drink when she stopped vomiting.  
  
"I'm sorry." He heard from the bed. Her voice was so quiet and broken. He turned, forcing himself to look at her, and really look at her. She seemed so small and frail, as if a gust of wind could knock her over. How did he miss this?  
  
"What? Why?" He asked, furrowing his brow in confusion.  
  
She didn't looked at him " I'm such a failure of a Queen, an embarrassment for the whole country. I'm sure everyone would understand if you asked Leliana to annul the marriage."  
  
He was shocked to hear that. Did she not want this anymore? Was she looking for a way out? He moved to take the bedpan from her hands before giving it quietly to Doris and motioning for her to leave.  
  
He sat on the bed next to her and thought carefully about his response, "I don't want out of this at all. If you do, than just say the word."  
  
At that she finally looked at him, her sad eyes cut into him. "How can you not want out? I can't even seem to stay sober for you never mind help you rule the country. I'm broken."  
  
"Have you ever heard the story of how I became King?"  
  
She nodded, "Hasn't everyone?"  
  
"No I mean the real version, not the story everyone else tells."  
  
She just shook her head and looked like she might need the bedpan back.  
  
"I was one of the last two surviving Wardens in Ferelden, and because Elena was a new recruit I was the Senior Warden. However I was completely useless. She had to make every decision and deal with my bullshit when she made one I didn't like. The position I put her in was completely unfair and yet she never held a grudge. In fact for whatever reason she believed in me more than anyone else, even though she knew better than anyone else what a failure I was."  
  
He paused and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and looking at the ground. This story had always been difficult to tell but she needed to hear it.  
  
"When the Landsmeet finally came around she decided to make me the King, she thought Anora was part of the corruption that had made Ferelden so weak in the first place. I didn't want it, I told her so many times I didn't want it, everyone else told her it was a bad idea and yet she was a stubborn woman. Being with her and being a Warden was the best time of my life. I had finally felt like myself, like I was doing something worth living for and that was all going to be taken away. And she was right, it was the best choice for Ferelden but I hated it. I broke up with her after that. It was so painful but I figured if my new life was going to change it had to change right away. She was an elf and a mage after all, there was no way people would take her as their Queen."  
  
He felt tears starting to build in the corners of his eyes and lump starting to grow in the back of his throat. Thalia reached forward and took his hand in hers, squeezing it lightly to push him forward.  
  
"I didn't want it, the thought of leaving the Wardens, leaving her, it was so miserable I couldn't do it. So when she came to me and told me of a ritual that would keep us both alive I shut her down. I wouldn't even consider it. My plan was to sacrifice myself and everyone would be better off. Anora would be a much better leader than me anyway. But she left to fight the archdemon without me, I didn't even get the chance to say goodbye."  
  
The tears were flowing down his face freely now, he could taste them on his lips but wiping them away would mean releasing her hand and he couldn't do that.  
  
"She took that choice from me too. I was so mad at first, mad at myself mad at her, mad at the world. If I had just agreed to the ritual she would still be alive, happy somewhere without me. I didn't deserve her. Her belief that I could be more killed her and I will never forgive myself for that."  
  
Thalia was giving him a sad look, "I am so sorry."  
  
"What I'm trying to get at is that I get it. I get feeling absolutely broken, like a part of you is missing, like you will never get it back. I want to help you Thalia, I want to be there for you. You don't have to feel this way alone, I am here for you."  
  
"Does it ever go away?" She asked softly, "The emptiness I mean."  
  
He looked at her steadily, she was nothing like Elena and yet she was quickly becoming just as important to him. As he pushed a red curl out of her eyes he realized that for the first time in over 10 years that empty feeling was starting to fade.  
  
"Yes, I think so."  
  
She looked over to the fire thoughtfully, the tea water had started to boil a while ago but neither bothered to get it. "Will you stay here? I know you have business and you don't like to stay the night, but I really don't want to be alone."  
  
"However long you need, I will always be here for you." He said before pulling her against his chest.  
  
After they drank the tea together he pulled a book of fables off her shelf and they took turns reading them to each other curled up in bed like lovers. She was snuggled up in the crook of his arm, their legs were tangled up together, both were totally lost in the feeling of being close to another person.  
  
For the first time in thirteen years he was finally starting to love again and he would do whatever it took to make her happy again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to switch back and forth from Alistair's point of view to Thalia's but I ended up really liking seeing things from his point of view. 
> 
> And sorry for how long it took, I've been really sick for the last month and haven't had the energy to do anything after work.


	8. Traveling to Kirkwall

The sun had turned the sky into a bright tapestry of orange, pink, and blue. It was starting to set low in the sky at the end of a stretch of a few warm days, signaling that the long hard winter was finally over. Thalia knew that chances were good that there would be another frost or two and so she had to get the seeds in the ground in her new garden quickly. She had spent the last two days elbow deep in mud, finally using the trowel prosthetic that Danga had made her.  
  
She had spent every waking hour outside during the warm spell. She was leaving the following morning for Kirkwall and she knew better than to miss her shot at the perfect spring planting. This meant that her regular dinners with Alistair had been put on hold.  
  
She knew he was probably happy that she was getting outside and keeping busy, more than he was disappointed in her absence from his study and their dinner table. Things had started to get complicated with him and she wasn't completely sure what to do about it. They had kissed, and it had been a real kiss not like the ones she had forced on their wedding night.  
  
She was also finding herself enjoying his company. He was funny, sweet, and actually listened to her. She was starting to crave his companionship, started to miss him when they parted ways. She hadn't expected to like him, hadn't expected that she would want to kiss him more. She had always assumed that a noble’s marriage would always be like her parents, which was completely lacking in respect. However Alistair had started to delay important decisions in order to wait to hear her input. It reminded her of the time her father sold their country home to fund a new merchant company who had buttered him up really well. This wouldn't have been an issue except the country home had been her mothers inheritance and he had not asked her first. The fighting that ensued would have been noteworthy except the two Trevelyan parents regularly did things like that to one another.  
  
It was why she had loved Bull. He was not like that, he had never been like that. They had been partners, he had listened to her input and turned to her in times of crises. Except for at the end. In the end they had been everything but partners.  
  
Alistair was so different from Bull in so many different ways but she had noticed that they did both listen to her. Maybe Dorian had been wrong about what her type was, maybe instead of seeking out hard men she sought out people who made her feel important.  
  
Her new feelings for the King were becoming more and more confusing by the day. She had been enjoying her space in the garden and figured that the two weeks in Kirkwall would also help her get her head back on straight.  
  
She heard heavy footsteps approaching and smiled to herself. The only person who might be worse in an ambush than herself would be her husband. His footsteps were so loud and so distinctive that she always knew when he approached.  
  
"Oh Andrastes ass thank the Maker you're alive!" He said grinning at her, "I was so sure you had been sucked into this infernal mud never to be seen from again! I had started to make the funeral plans and everything."  
  
Thalia giggled, "You're so dramatic, I don't spend one whole day with you and it's like the fade is falling and the Maker walks Thedas again. What will you do with yourself for the next two weeks with me gone?"  
  
"Die probably." He responded matter-of-factly. She noticed that draped over one of his arms was a large blanket and in his other hand he held a basket.  
  
"What is all that?" She ask motioning at him.  
  
"What? You've never seen a devilishly handsome man before?"  
  
She shook her head, stifling a laugh as to not boost his ego to much, "No what's that you've brought with you?"  
  
"Well I knew I wouldn't be able to pull you away from this beautiful sunset and I wanted to spend some time with you before you left."  
  
"Okay?" She asked, still confused as to what he brought.  
  
"It's a picnic... Haven't you had a picnic before?" He asked as he started to set it up.  
  
"I've eaten outside loads of times." She responded watching him carefully lay the blanket down and pull out a candle and a bottle of wine.  
  
He laughed and shook his head, "A picnic is different, more romantic and less utilitarian."  
  
She smiled, "I've never been one for romanticism."  
  
"Well maybe it's time to change." He said pouring two glasses of wine and handing one to her, "To safe travels"  
  
She tilted her glass towards him, "To safe travels."  
  
In the basket was roasted lamb, bread and cheese and Alistair very carefully stacked some on a plate and handed it to her. Since her drunken debacle a week earlier he had been watching her far more closely. He had promoted the friend she had made in the kitchens to her personal servant (which seemed to Thalia like she was more of a nanny than a servant) and would refuse to start eating until she had taken a few bites. She could tell he was worried about her, and he probably had good reason.  
  
They sat in a comfortable silence next to each other watching the sun start to sink behind the mountains.  
  
"So, what are you planting?" He finally asked motioning around.  
  
She choked down the bite of food in her mouth before responding, hopefully not spitting bits of bread and cheese all over him, "What? For the garden?"  
  
"Yeah, what sort of flowers are you planting." He asked, not fazed by her mouth full of food.  
  
"Oh, I wasn't planning on planting flowers." She said pausing, was she supposed to plant flowers? "I like to plant things that are used for healing and more useful things. I suppose embrium is a flower. I've planted that over there," she said motioning to the far corner that looked to the east, "Embrium does best when it can catch the morning light."  
  
"No roses?" He asked, a strange look overtaking his face.  
  
"No, do you want me to plant roses? I can I just don't really like them very much."  
  
A look of relief flooded his face, "No, no it's fine. I don't really like them either." He said as he looked away from her. What was going on?  
  
"What's wrong?"  
  
"I thought you liked them, I mean especially seeing as you put them all over your room on our wedding day." He responded, still not looking at her.  
  
"I thought you did that." She said trying to figure out why he was being weird.  
  
He finally looked at her, a shocked expression crossing his face, "I would never!"  
  
"Why? What's wrong with roses." She asked, why was this such a trigger for him?  
  
"I... I don't know how to explain it." He said clenching his fists.  
  
Seeing how distraught this conversation was making him she knew it would be best to change the subject, "Okay so lets talk about something else then."  
  
He looked relived before taking a large sip of wine, but instead of changing the subject the two fell into silence instead. The watched the moonrise in the sky and Thalia wished that instead of the silly candles that they had a fire to warm themselves by.  
  
"Can we go back inside? Or does a picnic mean that we have to freeze until sun up?" She finally asked, breaking the silence.  
  
"Oh," he said jumping a little bit, he was clearly deep in his own thoughts, "Yes of course, it is cold isn't it?"  
  
She nodded and started to pack her things up in a bag while he put the remains of the dinner back into the basket. As they started to walk back to the castle he offered his arm, which unlike when they first met, she gladly took.  
  
"So how many guards are you taking tomorrow as your consort? He asked, trying to make small talk.  
  
"Oh, I wasn't going to. I figured I would just travel alone." She responded having not thought she would need to bring anyone. She had been traveling alone for years with no problems. She was one of the strongest fighters in all of Thedas even with a missing arm.  
  
"But, you're the Queen." He sputtered out giving her a shocked face.  
  
"And I've been the Inquisitor for a number of years without any issues while traveling, I don't know why being a Queen would suddenly make me helpless."  
  
He stopped walking to groan and pinch the bridge of his long nose. "It's the look of it though. You can't show up in Kirkwall alone!"  
  
"Oh! I wont, I'm meeting up with Sera outside of the city and she was going to travel with me. I think Cassandra was going to meet us at the ship and a few other of my friends are going to meet us there."  
  
"That does not count! You need an official Ferelden consort!"  
  
"Sera is from Ferelden." She said, knowing that if he forced her to bring half of the court with her than their plan would be ruined. The whole point of this trip was to touch base with everyone and share information that they had gathered on Solas's movements. It was exactly the reason this was happening at her private house instead of the Palace or Skyhold. They couldn't trust anyone outside the inner circle so there was no way she was bringing anyone else.  
  
"I... No Thalia! You are the Queen now and I have to put my foot down. A certain level of decorum is required for things like this, and I don't like it anymore than you do but I can't allow you to just go running off to Kirkwall all alone."  
  
The second the words "I can't allow you" left his mouth Thalia felt rage start to bubble up from beneath the surface.  
  
She pulled away from him before taking a deep bow, "Well _Your Majesty _" she said, practically spitting venom, "If you will allow it I believe I will take my leave for the night.__  
  
She knew she had to get out of there before she lost her temper fully. How dare he think that he had any control over her actions? She knew she hadn't been the best Queen but that did not give him the right to control her actions. She was the Herald of Andraste, the Inquisitor. She had killed at least two would be gods and was working on defeating a third, how dare he.  
  
"I, Thalia I did not mean it like that. I just-" and before he was able to respond she took off, disappearing in the shadows.  
  
Like hell he was stopping her from traveling alone.

____

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thalia woke the next morning long before dawn and packed her things in the dark. All she brought with her were two changes of clothing, her fancy armor, a few potions and knives and enough food and water to get her clear of the city without having to stop. She strapped on her latest invention, a prosthetic that had a knife attached where the hand would be and when she twisted her elbow a certain way it would unsheathe itself and re-sheathe so that no one would ever know it was a weapon. She slipped into her scout’s armor and a black cloak before slipping out of her room.  
  
She had to be quite as to not wake Doris whom had been instructed to travel with her. She had felt bad because she did like the woman, but she couldn't trust her. Right now there were very few people she was able to trust.  
  
As she took the servants passages she heard the guards starting to gather and get ready to accompany her to Kirkwall. Alistair had clearly been up late organizing all of this. She could hear them grumbling at leaving their families so last minute and having to wake so early. Jokes on them, they weren't going anywhere.  
  
When she finally got to the stable she slipped on her ring of invisibility knowing that the stable hands had to get there really early and would be unafraid to rat her out. She had heard lots of complaints from them about her horse, they had no idea how to take care of him and he was completely unruly towards everyone, everyone except Thalia that is. He was called the Bog Unicorn and seemed to terrify everyone who saw him. The two had been to hell and back together and nothing would separate them, not even cowardly stable hands.  
  
She was able to put a saddle on him and everything pretty easily, it seemed that everyone avoided the part of the stable he was kept in, which usually she would be annoyed by but given the current circumstance she was grateful there was no one around. In fact she was able to slip him out with ease, and only one stable hand saw him walking out seemingly led by a ghost. Instead of saying anything he turned white as a sheet and it seemed as though he might have peed himself a little.  
  
Thalia chucked to herself before leading him passed the poor man and out of the stable. Leaving the palace was easy and she was clear of its shadow before the sun started to break across the horizon. Once down the road a fair distance from the gate she looked around for Sera knowing that if she was late she would have to leave with out her. Doris would be waking up any moment and the whole city would be looking for her.  
  
"Finally!" She heard seconds before a body slammed into her knocking her clean off her mount. The wind was knocked clean out of her as she hit the ground but she didn't care as she looked up at the grinning face of her friend. "Thought I would die out her waiting for you yeah, next time rush a little more."  
  
She stood up and brushed herself off, "There were some... Complications. Alistair didn't like the idea of me traveling alone and demanded I bring half the court so I had to sneak out. So I do think it would be best if got a move on right away." She said looking back at the gates, hoping she wouldn't see any guards.  
  
"What? I'm not enough for that royal arse?"  
  
"No clearly not, now get on so we can get out of here." Thalia said, now back on top of the Bog Unicorn very impatient to leave before the whole city woke up.  
  
"Whatever you say Highness." Sera said sarcastically before bowing extravagantly and jumping on the horse behind Thalia.  
  
"Shut it you, call me that again and you'll see I haven't gone soft"  
  
"Phhfft." This trip was going to be the most fun she had in months. 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The boat surged under them as land came into sight. Thalia had never liked being at sea, there was something about the insecurity of it all, of being totally helpless against nature. Also she seemed to get incredibly motion sick.  
  
Cassandra had arrived at the port a few days before she and Sera got there and manage to secure passage on a merchant ship, no one knew who they were and she was grateful for it. After years of the anchor acting as a name tag, the anonymity was refreshing. They were far enough from court that she was able to blend in as just another Ferelden traveler.  
  
It had taken them the better part of the day to get to the port and Thalia had been increasingly worried that the guards would catch up to them and force her to go with them. So when there was no ship leaving as soon as they arrived she became increasingly anxious. But during their one night stay, they did not see a single royal guard. She didn't think Alistair was one to really give up, but given the fact that they didn't have to hide from anyone she assumed that he had.  
  
After two long days at sea they had finally crossed the Waking Sea and Thalia was thrilled to finally be walking on land again. She was excited to see Varric, and her new house, as well as all of her other friends who would be arriving within the day. The big party and subsequent meeting was in two days so they still had some time. It had been wonderful traveling with Sera and Cassandra again and at no point did she need guards defending her.  
  
"Smiley! Over here!" She heard Varric yell as she stepped off of the ramp finally back on land. She looked around unable to see him. As a dwarf he was difficult to find in a crowd, especially seeing as she was also not tall enough to see over anyone’s heads.  
  
Cassandra, however, was tall enough, "Inquis- sorry Thalia," she said forgetting not only that she was no longer called Inquisitor, but also that they were trying to stay under the radar. "I believe the dwarf is over there."  
  
She said as she started to push through the crowds, the port was exceptionally busy that day.  
  
She heard her mentor before she saw him, "There you are, I would recognize that carrot top anywhere."  
  
"Varric!" Thalia yelled, startling the people around them before throwing her arms around him in a hug.  
  
She had missed the dwarf maybe more than anyone else. During the days of the Inquisition she found herself going to him for advice more than almost all of her other companions, almost as often as she went to Iron Bull. While she was happy he was made Viscount, and she knew he would do outstanding things in the position, she was selfishly hoping that he would hate it and join her at the Palace in Denerim instead.  
  
As he guided the three women through the city he pointed out important landmarks, places that had meaning to him, and places that he and Hawke had gotten into especially bad trouble. She had missed his stories, and while she knew that almost everything he was telling her was at minimum an exaggeration but more likely a total fabrication she was still just so happy to be back in his company.  
  
He had them stop into his favorite bar, the Hanged Man where he had an open tab, which after two days at sea they enjoyed far to much.  
  
"So Varric," She asked sitting in the back room of the bar already 8 drinks deep "Which bartender do you think knows you better Cabot, or this nob?"  
  
"Smiley the real question is, which has been told fewer lies."  
  
She giggled trying to hide how much the world was spinning. Thank the Maker that Alistair was no where to be found because he would be having a cow, "Okay better question, have I been told fewer lies than both Cabot or that guy?"  
  
"Smiley, you're one of the few people who I can honestly say I've never lied to." He said, a grin stretching across his face.  
  
"What, Bullocks! That’s such a lie!" She said, but before he could respond Cassandra punched a guy at the bar in the face after he grabbed her ass. No one was upset that they were getting kicked out, mostly because they were too proud of their friend for teaching that guy a lesson.  
  
When they finally made their way to Hightown and the estate Varric had given her it was hours after they had docked and the sun had long since set in the sky. The house was huge and fairly new, apparently the original house had burned to the ground during the battle against the Arishok. To get to the front door they first had to walk through a gate and a beautiful garden.  
  
"See Smiley, I know what you like. I've been having a gardener come a few times a week to make sure everything was just right."  
  
"Varric! You spoil me!" She said admiring the handy work.  
  
Once inside they found themselves in a large foyer with four doors, one on each wall. Varric explained that through the one in front of them they would find a large dinning hall, while to the left they would find the kitchens and to the right they would find a small parlor. Through the dinning room there was a living area with a large staircase leading to the bedrooms and decent sized library that was significantly under stocked.  
  
Before Thalia could comment on how insulted Dorian would be an excited, grinning, face popped out from behind the selves.  
  
"Hawke!" Both she and Varric exclaimed at the same time. Neither had known when the Champion of Kirkwall would arrive, or how exactly she would sneak into the city, but she had said she would be there and so they both knew that meant she would find a way to make it happen.  
  
Hawke had spent a few weeks at Skyhold giving advice about Corypheus, as well as getting drunk and playing Wicked Grace. During that time the two had become extremely close. When in the Fade Thalia had selfishly asked Stroud to stay behind, and while he would have been more useful for the Grey Wardens she could not sacrifice her friend.  
  
"Oh Maker, I see you started drinking without me?" Hawke said as Thalia drew her into a hug, clearly smelling the booze on her breath.  
  
"That just means you have to catch up! Varric! Where is the wine kept?"  
  
"There are a few bottles in the kitchen as well as a few barrels in the pantry." He responded before pulling Hawke into his own hug.  
  
Cassandra started to move towards the door, "I'll go look for it."  
  
"How much do you want to bet that the Seeker will come back with about 10 loaves of bread but no wine?" Sera asked before sinking to the ground.  
  
"You alright there Buttercup? Room spinning a bit to much?" Varric asked as he started to stoke a fire to life in the large fireplace along the far wall.  
  
"Shut it you." She grumbled in response. Thalia felt for Sera seeing as she also seemed to be seeing two of everything, Varric had the same amount to drink as they did, but for whatever reason he seemed to be able to tolerate it better than most.  
  
As they had assumed Cassandra had come back with a cup of tea and far more to eat than they really needed so Hawke and Varric had left together to go find wine. She had just been telling them that Fenris would be arriving in the morning but given how noticeable he was they figured that she should arrive a day early just in case. So when a knock came to the door they just assumed that it was him getting anxious about being apart from Hawke for to long.  
  
Varric left the kitchen to answer the door and she heard him talking to someone before he came back into the library, "Smiley we have a situation."  
  
"Oh I wouldn't exactly call it a situation just yet, I think at this point it's more of a debacle." Thalia's very angry looking husband said from behind him.  
  
"Oh fuck."  
  
"Hello to you too my Queen."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The scene in the garden was one of the first things I had thought up for this fic so I hope you liked it! And can you tell I've been playing the new assassins creed? Her prosthetic was totally based on the hidden blade. Also I didn't like that they brought in other people to teach the Inquisitor their speciality so instead I had Varric teach her.


	9. The First Fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry that this is so late! I know it's been a few months and I want you all to know that I have a plan for this story and will keep updating it. The holiday season was crazy with parties and my birthday so I didn't have any time and then since then I've been super busy. And those of you who follow me on my tumblr might know I hurt my leg pretty badly over a month ago and any free time I have I've been spending in a lot of pain. 
> 
> Also! The amazing and wonderful Etluthia made a beautiful picture of Thalia! You can find it at:
> 
> http://etluthia.tumblr.com/image/168206245436
> 
> And also follow her! Her art is so amazing!
> 
> And I sometimes post life updates on my tumblr so if I haven't posted awhile go ahead and message me or check here:
> 
> https://lightoftheveilfire.tumblr.com/

Thalia couldn't help but groan; of course he had followed her. She had known that there was no way he was just going to give up, not with how intense he had been lately. Now she just needed to do damage control. She couldn't bring him into her plan, all it would do would compromise his throne, and there was a good chance he wouldn't want her putting herself in danger. She needed the freedom to run off and fight Solas at a moments notice, but if he knew she was planning this he would be far angrier than he already was.  
  
She jumped up and stumbled over to him, still very drunk from the antics at the Hanged Man, and pulled him into the dinning room.  
  
"You're drunk." He wasn't asking.  
  
"Uh yes, you see -" She said before he cut her off.  
  
"I really don't care why." He said as he crossed his arms and glared at her.  
  
She winced, "That's.... fair I suppose."  
  
"Fair? You think it's fair?" He laughed and shook his head, "You deliberately disobeyed a direct order from your Husband and your King, you ran off endangering not just yourself but also Ferelden's standing abroad. And I find you, not making connections with the nobility, oh no of course not, I find you drunk again."  
  
Her anger started to bubble to the surface as he finished. While yes it would have looked better to have an escort, but it wasn't necessary, she had done for more with far less, "And why my dear Husband do you think you have ANY authority to be giving me orders?"  
  
His brow lowered as he clenched his teeth, "I am the King, your King, the ruler of Ferelden."  
  
"Well if we're going for titles now should I list all of mine? As an actual successful leader and I happen to have many" As she enunciated 'successful' she knew she had gone to far.  
  
"That's... You are... Why did you do it! Things have been going so well and you just abandoned me!" He yelled, now completely in her face.  
  
As soon as he finished the door to the kitchen slammed open, "Hey! No need to yell I finally found the wine Varric was talking about, you think for a functioning drunk he wouldn't hide the booze so well." Hawke said, not noticing that they had company.  
  
"Uh yeah can you give us some space?" Thalia responded shifting uncomfortably, not looking Alistair in the face. The red streak across Hawkes face always gave her away as the Champion of Kirkwall, and after the destruction of the Chantry and her support of the mages pretty much every leader in Thedas had been looking for her.  
  
"Oh Maker, yeah sorry, didn't realize... Sorry, ignore me." She said grimacing and backing back into the kitchen.  
  
"You have the Champion of Kirkwall... Here? In your private estate?" He asked eyes wide.  
  
"Uh yeah, we became friends a while ago, she helped with the Corypheus problem..."  
  
"But here, in Kirkwall?"  
  
"Yeah I do believe that's where we are." She said, not knowing if he was more mad than before.  
  
He laughed again, "So is that why you snuck off? Why you abandoned your escort?"  
  
Of course, this was perfect he thought she was just trying to protect her friend, "Oh yeah and I didn't tell you because I didn't want to implicate you. I know it would be a huge conflict for you." She said, hoping he fell for it. She was not the most convincing liar.  
  
He shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose, he seemed to do that when he was frustrated or stressed.  
  
After a long pause he bought the lie, "You should have just told me, we're a team you know. I would have trusted you."  
  
His trust shouldn't matter, why did she have to earn it anyway? She was the Herald of Andraste, the Inquisitor, why did he think that he had any say of her behavior.  
  
"That's great but why did you come?" She asked, her own anger not abating.  
  
He looked surprised to hear that, "To find you, I needed to make sure you were safe."  
  
Her teeth clenched, "And what would leave you to believe I was at any point in any sort of danger?"  
  
In that moment he seemed to realize that while he may have forgiven her, that she was far from forgiving him.  
  
"Uh," He sputtered, suddenly looking panicked "You're the Queen, it's like having a target on your back."  
  
She tried to keep her voice level, "And you don't think that maybe I might have had a target on my back for the last few years as Inquisitor? That maybe I'm not nearly as naive or new to this as you might think?"  
  
"I-" he paused, clearly not having prepared to apologize, "I did not think."  
  
"Clearly" she responded, her face stony. While she knew she was wrong in deceiving him, she was also furious that he thought he had any say over her behavior. She did not need to ask for his permission to travel alone.  
  
"Thalia," He pleaded, "I did not mean offense. I just, I worry about you."  
  
"I'm fine! I can take care of myself!"  
  
"I believe you, but-" he paused trying to think of the right words, "You haven't been well lately. Please understand why I felt the need to be concerned!"  
  
She knew he was right, that she hadn't been well. She had spent days in bed, refused food, and been drunk at odd hours. This was also an area where he and Bull seemed complete opposites, while Bull would have joined her, Alistair instead tried to stop her.  
  
"It does not matter how I act, I am not your property. In fact I am hardly your wife!" She threw back at him, drunk and wanting to wound his pride as much as he had wounded hers.  
  
"That’s not fair." He said quietly, "You must know I care for you deeply."  
  
At that the doors to the library opened up and Varric stuck his head through. He had most likely been listening at the door. He knew that she had a somewhat uncontrollable temper - especially when drunk - and would need to intervene at some point. Apparently Thalia accusing her husband of not fulfilling his duties was exactly that point.  
  
"Hey Smiley, you going to offer your man a drink? We're getting dry in here waiting for you!"  
  
"Be right there." She said, not wanting to end the fight until she was able to have the last word.  
  
"Oh no, I know that face. It's time for Wicked Grace and I wont take no for an answer so get your drunk ass in here." Varric said grabbing her by her bad elbow and steering her away from Alistair and back into the library.  
  
"Look I don't know what you're getting at but ripping him a new asshole right here right now is not the best plan. Don't be rash." he continued under his breath so only Thalia would be able to hear. He was right of course, fighting him drunk would only ruin everything long term.  
  
"Aw Varric you bore! Why'd you stop 'em! It's been ages since I've heard Lia really tear into some idiot!" Sera yelled as they walked through the doorway.  
  
"Yeah Varric, let the Herald speak!" Cassandra added on.  
  
"Okay Seeker I'm cutting you off, you clearly had way to much to drink." Varric responded taking the bottle away from her.  
  
Alistair shook his head, clearly also still upset, "So this is your entourage that was supposed to keep you safe?"  
  
She rounded on him "Oh shut it you stuffy-"  
  
"And that's enough, if you wont play nice then I will separate you two." Varric said clearly starting to get exasperated, as Hawke grabbed the bottle out of his hand and took a large swig.  
  
Everything was quiet, no one wanting to start any more drama. Hawke was clearly trying not to laugh as she drank. Alistair was glaring at her, as though this was all her fault.  
  
"Oh maker, if everyone else is." He said as he grabbed a wine bottle of the table and took a few swigs."  
  
"When in Kirkwall am I right?" Hawke responded with an awkward laugh, right as the door to the library was kicked in.  
  
In rushed an elvan man, glowing blue and baring a massive long sword, and before anyone was able to react he had Alistair in a chokehold.  
  
"Tell your men to stand down and leave before this gets messy." The man growled.  
  
At that both Hawke and Varric looked at each other and burst out laughing.  
  
"My love! What are you doing?" Hawke managed to choke out when she was done laughing.  
  
"The guards at the door, he brought them. They're here for you."  
  
Thalia shook her head, now also trying not to laugh as Alistair struggled in the mans firm grip, "Fenris I presume. Thankfully those guards are not here for Hawke, they're here for me. Much like you are for Hawke, my Husband was worried for me and thought that it was appropriate to bring the entire army of Ferelden to check in on me."  
  
"Really?" He responded, loosening his grip slightly so Alistair could respond.  
  
He pulled at Fenris's arm and gasped out "Yes I followed my foolish wife, had I known what she was doing I would have come alone."  
  
"Oh don't release him just yet," Thalia said through gritted teeth as Fenris let him go, allowing him to stand up straight, "So you knew then that I didn't actually need escort? But you alone could keep me safe?"  
  
He looked stricken, "Well, no I meant in the city you know?"  
  
She ground her teeth together, trying to keep her voice level, "Well, honey, why don't I show you to our room."  
  
Alistair just nodded in response, knowing he was about to be chewed out.  
  
They made their way up the grand staircase in silence and then through the doors into the large bedroom.  
  
"You have to send the soldiers away, I don't care where they go but they cannot stay here." She said finally.  
  
He gave her a desperate look, clearing hearing the anger in her voice, "Yes I can do that."  
  
"Look I don't know what you were thinking bringing them here if you knew I could take care of myself. It's insulting that you wouldn't trust me."  
  
He didn't respond, and instead sat on the edge of the bed on the other side of the room from her and put his head in his hands, "And why should I trust you?"  
"What?"  
  
"I've had to sit here and watch you try and destroy yourself. Do you think this has been easy for me?" He said finally looking at her.  
  
She was confused, "I still don't understand, this is my fault? I have to earn your trust? You do know who I am."  
  
"No, I mean, ugh. How do I explain this?" He said groaning, "You don't eat, some days you don't leave bed, and you drink yourself silly. Just a few days ago you drank yourself stupid because we shared one little kiss, and then you left. What was I supposed to do? Let you run off? Let you leave me? What if you didn't come back, what if I was alone again?"  
  
He sat up and looked her dead in the eye, "Thalia, I don't think I could handle losing you. I don't think I would survive."  
  
She didn't respond, just sank to her knees on the ground. Why was he so worried about her? How could she have missed it.  
  
"I know you're not ready and that's fine, but I can't watch you drown and do nothing. I wont do nothing." He continued.  
  
"I'm not trying to drown." She said softly, looking at her knees on the floor.  
  
He crossed the room and knelt in front of her and gently lifted her chin, "I know, but please don't hate me for caring, don't hate me for worrying."  
  
"You overstepped." She responded feeling conflicted.  
  
"How can I make it up to you? I don't want to fight."  
  
She shook her head, "And that’s the problem isn't it? Did you think about what I wanted? Just had your own thoughts and opinions of my life and how I should be running it?"  
  
He looked absolutely stricken. She knew she was being harsh, she made it seem as though she didn't want him there, as if she didn't crave his attention. But Thalia also knew that he needed to leave. If he stayed then the meeting couldn't happen. He would try and stop her from going after Solas if need be. He couldn't lose her, which meant he could never know.  
  
"I should leave." He responded, not apologizing for wanting her, for needing her. Maker she couldn't do it, she couldn't reject him like that.  
  
"Alistair wait, don't go." She said grabbing his arm before he was able to stand again, "Stay with me."  
  
"You don't want me here, that's what you just said." He said, his brow furrowing with confusion.  
  
"No I said you should have considered that I might not want you here."  
  
He groaned pinching the bridge of his nose; he always seemed to do that when he was nervous or frustrated. Given the conversation he was probably both right now.  
  
"Thalia, are you saying that I should be insecure about us? That I should doubt how I feel? You can't ask me to do that."  
  
"I... I just don't want to be taken advantage of, I'm not some noble woman who will just bend over and do whatever you want." She said, probably digging her hole even deeper.  
  
"What? And why in Andraste's ass would you ever think I would want you to? Thalia, I haven't made a single decision since we were wed without involving you. I would never ask you to be silent."  
  
"But you did! When I left you demanded I listen to you and then you followed me when I 'disobeyed you!" said, punctuating the end with air quotes.  
  
"And I'm sorry, I shouldn't have spoken to you like that. I was wrong and I hope you forgive me."  
  
She sighed, "And I'm sorry for leaving instead of handling things more... maturely."  
  
He gave her a long look, as though he was trying to see is she really meant it or not, before grinning "See? Her majesty can admit wrong. And everyone told me it was impossible."  
  
She smiled back, "You're a real ass you know that right?"  
  
He stood holding out his hand to help her to her feet, "Of course, usually one with his foot right in his mouth. Shall we return to the others?"  
  
She frowned, she knew she should want to go back downstairs but she had missed him. She would have to share him with all of Kirkwall over the next week, but for the time being they were alone. She wanted to spend sometime just the two of them, not fighting, just talking and laughing, and existing.  
  
She wanted to just exist with him.  
  
"Wait," She said before he was able to open to door, "Can we just stay here? I.."  
  
Suddenly she realized that she had never told him that she liked being around him that she liked his dumb jokes, the way he always listened, and the soft smile that he would give her when he thought she wasn't looking. How could she tell him? How would she explain it?  
  
"Can we just stay here? Just you and me?" She finally said.  
  
There it was, that soft smile, "Of course my Queen, whatever you want." He responded softly, closing the door carefully. 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alistair left for a few moments to tell his men to leave. Varric instructed him to send them to the Viscount Keep where there was some extra space in the guard’s quarters.  
  
While he was gone Thalia changed into her nightclothes and lit a fire in the fireplace. She suddenly realized that they hadn't spend a night together since their wedding, and so much had changed since that night.  
  
She lay on one side of the bed, propped up on pillows and under the blanket. The world was still spinning and her head was starting to pound. She slid out from under the blankets to put on some water for tea, in hopes that it would curb the spins. The kettle was already full of water, thank the maker, so she didn't have to travel back down to the kitchen. She knew if she went back downstairs they would convince her to keep drinking, and that if she had anymore she would throw up.  
  
The door creaked open behind her just as she was hanging the kettle on the rack over the fire. Alistair stood awkwardly in the doorway, looking to her like he had two heads.  
  
"You're making tea? I don't mean to control you, if you want another drink you should have it." He said, clearly trying to make up for his earlier behavior.  
  
"Uhhh, no I think I'm good." Thalia responded. The adrenalin from the fight was starting to come down and that last shot she took in the middle of the argument was hitting her, and if she even so much as smelled alcohol she ran the risk of throwing up.  
  
He nodded before gesturing to a trunk he had placed on the floor, "They will bring the rest of my things tomorrow, shall you just look away or... No that would be weird. I shall, very confidently, get er, changed in front of you."  
  
Thalia shook her head, turned back to her teakettle, and said, "Thanks for that announcement, really made me believe in your confidence. Don't worry I wont look at your royal attributes."  
  
"I didn't mean, oh never mind. Is that tea? Would you mind making me a cup as well?"  
  
She heard his voice carry across the room and tried really hard to focus on the task in front of her. The blurriness of the room was getting to her, and did not help ease the awkwardness from their first real fight. She stuffed the dried elfroot into the teapot before grabbing the cups. She could hear him grunting as he changed into his nightclothes.  
  
Her curiosity spiked as she thought about him standing there naked behind her. She had never really seen him, maybe one little peek wouldn't hurt. She didn't know what to expect seeing as he always wore so many layers, she should know the man she married.  
  
As she carefully peaked behind her she realized that it didn't really matter if she saw him or not, she was so drunk that were two of him kind of blurring together in the middle. His back was turned to her and he was bent over, pulling on a pair of linen pants. She could see the strong curve of his back and the light brown hair covering his rear. Were those scars, or freckles on his back? She couldn't see clearly, she wanted to know.  
  
Before she had time to react and pretend as though as had not been peaking he turned around, pants now on, and made eye contact with her.  
  
A smirk crawled up his face, "I thought you said you wouldn't look, couldn't help yourself huh? I know, I know I am that irresistible."  
  
"Oh, well, I don't - I just." She said her face turning red, "What's on your back?"  
  
He frowned, "Nothing should be? What do you mean?"  
  
"Are those scars or freckles?"  
  
His hand reached out across his chest to rest on the opposite shoulder, as if he just remembered he was marked, "Oh some are freckles I suppose, mostly scars though."  
  
"From what?" She responded.  
  
"I... We were ambushed while traveling during the blight, a few arrows pierced the back of my amour and left some scars. I forget that I have them sometimes."  
  
She looked at him hard as the water started to boil.  
  
"Are you going to get that? Or are my impressive muscles too distracting?" He smirked at her again, trying to distract from the marks on his body.  
  
She turned back and pulled the kettle off the fire and poured it into the teapot carefully. He had never shown his scars, she was forced to wear hers with pride; there were no hiding marks on her face or missing limbs.  
  
As she watched the water pour into the teapot she asked, "Can I touch them?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Can I touch them, your scars?"  
  
"Why?"  
  
She turned back to him and paused before responding, "You hide them, you don't talk about what you went through and you hide the evidence. I want to see, I want to understand."  
  
"Okay... Yeah okay if you want." He sounded unsure, as if her touch might remind him of another time, another touch.  
  
She crossed the room and stood a foot or so in front of him. He gave her an uncomfortable look before slowly turning around. Five or so white scars peppered his back intermingled with a few freckles. She reached out and gently traced them; they were the size of an arrowhead going in different directions.  
  
As her fingers danced lightly across his back he let out a deep breath that he had clearly been holding.  
  
"Are you okay?" She asked, not wanting to upset him.  
  
"Yeah, I'm.... Yeah it's fine."  
  
She paused and pulled her hand back, "You sure?"  
  
"Yeah, it's uh, it's been awhile since someone touched those." He responded quietly.  
  
"When was the last time?" She asked, placing her palm flat on his back and lightly rubbing his tense muscles.  
  
"I don't know, probably soon after I got them."  
  
"Was she, Elena, the last person?"  
  
"Yeah, she was." He said, so quietly she almost couldn't hear him.  
  
"I'm sorry, should I stop?"  
  
"No, no please don't. I like it, really." He said as he reached over his shoulder to touch the tips of her fingers with his.  
  
The two stood like that for a few minutes, her hand kneading the knots out of his back, neither one wanting to break the silence.  
  
"I should get the tea." Thalia finally said stepping back.  
  
Alistair jumped a little, clearly in his head a mile away. Probably remembering the last time someone took care of him.  
  
"No let me do it, you've already done the hard part." He responded, nudging her towards the bed to sit down.  
  
As she sat down he poured the tea into two separate cups and brought it over to her.  
  
The bed bowed a bit as he sat down next to her, "This has been a disaster, I'm so sorry." He finally said.  
  
She gave him a confused look before responding, "What do you mean? I thought we were done fighting."  
  
He shook his head, "No I mean all of this. I wasn't prepared for you, for this. I keep bungling everything up. I'm sorry for not trusting you, I'm sorry for following you, I'm sorry for not giving you what you need, for not being intimate."  
  
She shifted uncomfortably at that, knowing he was feeling self-conscious because of her earlier comment. In reality she had been grateful that they were taking things slow. She did not know he felt guilty about it. "I accept your apology for not trusting me and for following me here. I think it ended up being a good thing maybe, I'm enjoying this." She paused before continuing, "But don't apologize for the lack of sex, or confuse that for a lack of intimacy. I.... I think I feel closer to you than most other people in my life."  
  
He smiled at her, "I feel the same way."  
  
"I'm actually grateful you wanted to wait, I think when it does happen it will be all the more meaningful." She continued, "I'm glad this happened with you."  
  
"As am I my love." He said placing his hand on her thigh.  
  
They heard loud laugher coming from downstairs but neither wanted to go investigate, both perfectly content to spend the rest of the night drinking tea, warm, cuddled up under the blankets.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading the first chapter! I have a lot more written so I'll probably update it once a week or so.


End file.
